Our impending anniversary got me thinking about what it means to be married, and specifically, what it means to be a wife.
Too bad for you, I’m the one writing, so I get to inject my own sarcastic sense of humor.
Thus, how to be the perfect wife:
- Work hard to maintain your womanly figure, to please your man. But don’t focus too much on outer appearances and do it to be healthy, not to maintain a pervasive cultural standard of beauty.
- Always have a hot dinner on the table and a cocktail waiting for your husband when he returns from work. But sometimes rush out the door to your girls’ night happy hour while informing your husband that there are Lean Cuisines in the freezer, or he can cook for himself.
- Submit to your husband. That is, submit your ‘honey-do’ list on a regular basis.
- In an argument, your beloved should always have the last word. Unless that last word happens to contradict your point.
- If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Passive aggressive behavior is usually more effective, anyway.
- Never begin a sentence with the word ‘you’. ‘I feel like duct taping your mouth shut’ is more sensitive to your partner’s feelings.
- Remember that a woman’s place is in the home. Or in the office. Or in the White House. Or in the spa. Or wherever she damn well pleases.
- You must always stroke that delicate ego of his. And then shut it down at precisely the right moment.
- Don’t forget to apply makeup, style your hair, and dress in a manner that your husband finds attractive. Except on yoga pants-messy bun-no makeup days.
- The perfect wife keeps her home spic and span at all times. Or at least occasionally clears a walkway through the chaos.
In all seriousness, there is no such thing as perfection when it comes to husbands, wives and marriages. All we can do is our best and hope for the best.
I still remember the advice my dad gave in his father of the bride speech on our wedding day. He and my mom have been married for almost 37 years now, so they are another excellent example of a marriage gone right.
Remember that your partner has your best interests at heart. Remember that you’re on the same team.
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