Of course, 2-year-olds have the legitimate justification of not yet being fully formed humans. I mean, their brains are still developing.
So, what is your horrible boss’s excuse?
Your toddler: I want I want I WANT!!!
Your boss: Don’t mess up my reputation, underling.
2. Can’t be reasoned with
Your toddler: [Refuses to wear coat on 20-degree winter day]. NO! I want to wear my swimsuit. No coat.
Your boss: I reviewed your budget report and I see that you’ve identified a $275K deficit. That should be easy to move around and balance, right? Have it done pronto.
3. Don't do their fair share
Your toddler: Runs wild through the house, eats everything in sight, complains about being bored, demands to watch a movie, spills cheerios all over the kitchen, and then kicks you instead of helping you clear the mess.
Your boss: Runs wild through the office, eats a half dozen bagels on bagel day, complains about being ‘soooo busy’, demands a status update, spills coffee all over the shared kitchen, and then leaves you to mop up the mess.
4. Take you for granted
Your toddler: Daddy will make my macaroni.
Your boss: Sheryl will take care of it. She always does.
5. Don't acknowledge your hard work
Your toddler: NO, I want chicken nuggets! [After you’ve spent three hours preparing an extravagant dinner]
Your boss: Oh, I completely forgot about that. What else is on your to-do list? [After you’ve spent six months tackling a near-impossible task]
Your toddler: [Removes every piece of clothing and pees on the floor] Mommy, look what I did for you.
Your boss: [Instigates political firestorm in the office] You’ll get this squared away by end of day, won’t you?
7. Attempt to control everything
Your toddler: [Imitating your exact tone of voice] Excuuuuuuuse me, Daddy, you do NOT talk to me like that.
Your boss: [On casual Friday, when literally everyone in the office except your boss is wearing jeans] I noticed that you’re wearing jeans today. Is that appropriate for the workplace?
8. Are terrible at listening
Your toddler: [After hearing it’s time to go to school, immediately hides under the bed and starts giggling like mad]
Your boss: [While you are confiding one of your deepest professional insecurities] [Looks like she’s been shaken from a dream] I’m sorry, were you saying something?
9. Often yell and/or throw fits when things don’t go their way
Your toddler: But I don’t WANT my friends to come over for my birthday party to give me presents and eat pizza and cake! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want to sit in this box and never come out.
Your boss: But I don’t WANT my co-workers to acknowledge my birthday with a cake and be forced to socialize with them for more than two minutes. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want to sit in this office and never come out.
10. Ask for something, then immediately reject it
Your toddler: I want bubbles. [Hands child bubble wand] NO! I HATE BUBBLES! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???
Your boss: Where is that marketing plan I asked for? [Employee responds: It’s been in your inbox for a week] Well, why did you send it so soon? I didn’t want it clogging up my email!
Your toddler: I want chocolate cake. I want vanilla cake. I want chocolate cake. NO, VANILLA! [Conversation continues into eternity]
Your boss: I think this is the right strategy. Or maybe this isn’t the best strategy. Let’s do more brainstorming. Shouldn’t we start from scratch? Ask Bob what he thinks.
12. Always think they are right
Your toddler: I’m cuter than you, so I must be right.
Your boss: I’m smarter than you, so I must be right.
13. Resist even the smallest of changes
Your toddler: New socks? NEVER!!!
Your boss: Remove the emojis from my email signature? YOU CAN’T TAKE MY FREEDOM!
14. Have the absolute worst timing
Your toddler: [While on a video conference call with your boss and the CEO of the company] Your toddler enters the room, completely naked, and announces: I POOPED!
Your boss: [Just as you are packing up your laptop for a long weekend] I just thought of one more thing I’d like you to finish before you head out…
15. Can alter your day from good to ghastly in mere minutes
Your toddler: Mama, where do babies come from? [Unprepared parent cringes]
Your boss: [Without warning] Franklin, we need to discuss your performance. RIGHT. NOW. Close the door.
Your toddler: Yup, I eat my own boogers. Is there a problem here?
Your boss: Yup, I verbally abuse my own employees. Is there a problem here?
17. Constantly play favorites
Your toddler: [To Mommy]. Daddy is my favorite. Daddy is my favorite. Daddy-is-my-FAVORITE! Go away, Mommy. I no like you.
Your boss: You know I never play favorites, but the employee of the month is…Ricardo, again! Congratulations to Ricardo! The rest of you should aim to be more like him.
18. Have emotional outbursts
Your toddler: NO, I AM NOT TIRED!!!! NO NAP TIME! While writhing on the floor of Costco, clutching a jumbo pack of string cheese.
Your boss: NO, I AM NOT TIRED! Just bring me my coffee, damnit.
19. Make demands without providing any guidance or context
Your toddler: I WANT THAT TOY!!!! THAT ONE! NO, NOT THAT ONE. [Every toy parent points to in the Toys R Us store elicits the same response]
Your boss: I want this to be top-notch! I’ll know what that means when I see it! I don’t have time for questions.
20. Skip out on their obligations
Your toddler: ME NO WANT TO BUCKLE MY SEATBELT! [Every morning in the car seat, like clockwork]
Your boss: Oh, I was supposed to sign your timesheet? I wasn’t aware of that. [After four years of weekly reminders to sign the same freaking timesheet]
Your toddler: Daddy said I could have some ice cream. Daddy: I have no recollection of this. [Toddler puts on most fetching grin]
Your boss: [Lying through teeth] If this isn’t done right, we’ll all be fired.
22. Never say thank you
Your toddler: [Says for the very first time] Thank you, Da-Da [Daddy falls down at baby’s feet in worship]
Your boss: Why should I thank you for doing what you get paid to do?
We’re all in this together!
Do you have a Boss Baby or a Baby Boss? Tell us about it in the comments (no names, please)!
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