21 Lies Parents Tell Their Kids to Save Their Sanity

We all know that parents lie, even though sometimes we don’t realize it until we’re fully grown.
 
In most cases, these lies are innocuous and serve the child’s greater good.
 
Sometimes, though…sometimes a little white lie is the only thing that stands between a parent and exclusive membership to Club Cuckoo Bananas.
 
Might as well own it. 

21 Lies Parents Tell Their Kids to Save Their Sanity

1.  Santa/God/Jesus/Your Teacher/Preferred Religious or Authority Figure knows exactly what you’re doing
It’s like having a nanny cam 24/7—even at school. So, don’t even try it, kid.
 
2.  Sorry, the toy store is closed today
And the next day, and the next day, and the next. Until you forget about that ridiculous talking/singing migraine-maker.
 
3.  No, I’m not eating anything
Because I already shoved it down my throat before you could catch a glimpse of your precious Doritos
 
4.  If you don’t start behaving, they are going to kick you out of here
Even if ‘here’ is literally the hell known as Chuck E. Cheese’s
 
5.  Eat your vegetables or your face will fall off
Because green beans have been known to prevent acute face melti-ture 

6.  Hurry up, I’m going to leave without you!
And take my phantom daughter to daycare. Obviously.
 
7.  You wouldn’t like it, it’s yucky/spicy/gross/only for grownups
Mmmmmm, red velvet cheesecake…
 
8.  I am everywhere
Yup, I’m like gluten. Good luck trying to get rid of me.
 
9.  My phone is broken/dead/sleeping right now
Until you get distracted by something else, that is
 
10.  Mommy and Daddy are also going to bed
In several hours. After we catch up on “Designated Survivor”

. 11.  I hope your teacher doesn’t find out about this
Although according to lie number one, he/she is always watching you, so there’s that.
 
12.  It’s your bed time! Hop to it!
Or 20 minutes before I want you in bed, but let’s not get too caught up in the math
 
13.  My credit card isn’t working, so we can’t buy it
Are YOU buying this? Good.
 
14.  I know everything
Thanks, Google!
 
15.  Oh no, “Frozen” isn’t loading!
Because I didn’t put it in the DVD player. Not today, Elsa! Not today.

​16.  I can’t understand you when you use your whiny voice
It’s a very specific hearing problem
 
17.  The car won’t start unless you buckle up
Pay no attention to that big, red start/stop button next to the steering wheel
 
18.  Let’s just rest our eyes for a bit
My grandmother used to use this one on me all the time. It worked!
 
19.  I know when you’re lying
But I hope you don’t know when I’m lying
 
20.  I haven’t seen your old ratty toy anywhere
Since I threw it in the garbage and prayed you would move on
 
21.  Maybe tomorrow/next time/another time
‘Maybe’ should have been your first clue that this wasn’t going to happen

Photo by Lennart Tange on Visualhunt.com / CC BY

Okay, people: what other lies have you told your kids? What did your parents tell you when you were growing up? Leave a comment!

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