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Business Email Etiquette: 50 Things You Should Never Say in a Work Email

7/30/2017

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Business email etiquette has been on my mind as of late.
 
You see, I just wrote this cool e-book called 100 of Your Toughest Business Emails: Solved, available early to my awesome email subscribers, and coming soon to Amazon and other digital formats.
 
The e-book gives tons of examples for things you can or should say when you really feel like wringing your co-worker’s neck, but need to be diplomatic.
 
Oh, but the list of things you SHOULDN’T say in an email with any professional association is practically endless.
 
That’s where I thought I would have some fun. 
Generally, it’s best to avoid the following in business emails:
  • Put-downs
  • Foul language
  • Inappropriate jokes (jokes of any kind, really)
  • Attempts to procure money from your colleagues in the form of fundraising or otherwise
  • Anything illegal
  • Highly confidential or personal information
  • Politics, religion. The stuff that works your family into a tizzy at Thanksgiving.
  • Anything you wouldn’t want to see plastered on the front page of the newspaper or your company’s intranet page
  • Romantic overtures
  • Conflicts of interest
  • Subjects not related to your work. Period.
 
Now that we’ve established those ground rules, let’s enjoy the best of the worst of them. 
50 Things You Should Never, Ever Say in a Business Email
1.  That outfit is heinous
2.  Everyone knows that so-and-so and so-and-so are having an affair
3.  I'm thinking of leaving to work for a competitor
4.  I don't do much work. I mostly shop online all day.
5.  OMG ROFL & LMAO
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Photo credit: Jonas B via Visual hunt / CC BY
6.  I can't stand working with Susie
7.  A kindergartner could do a better job
8.  Don't tell anyone, but I peed in the office coffee pot
9.  Does Bob have a girlfriend?
10.  I'm counting on you to support my Race for the (X Charitable Cause)
11.  Holy F***ing s***!
12.  Did you see last night's episode of "Game of Thrones"? Whoa.
13.  My boss is slowly sucking the life from my soul
14.  WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???
15.  I never have to buy pens anymore. They're free at the office!
16.  What are you having for lunch today? I’m craving sushi.
17.  Sorry, my ex-wife took every last penny
18.  Do you even read your emails?
19.  You really screwed this one up, didn't you?
20.  Rachel looks super sexy today
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Photo credit: Ms. Phoenix via Visual hunt / CC BY
21.  Do you know where I can buy some weed?
22.  I think I feel a cold coming on…cough, cough (HAHA!). Looks like I'll have to take a 'sick' day :)
23.  Can I borrow $20?
24.  You're going to hell
25.  All the free donuts in the world could not make me happy in this job

26.  I am beyond hungover
27.  How much do they pay you here?
28.  I couldn't care less
29.  FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (Top Secret)
30.  My dog is cuter than your kid

31.  Let's hit the strip club after work
32.  Are you in for online poker during our conference call?
33.  I'm selling my old TV. Do you want it?
34.  Anyone who votes for (X CANDIDATE) is an IDIOT!
35.  I know you're Jewish, but Merry Christmas!
36.  So a guy walks into a bar…
37.  I'm supposed to meet with my parole officer at that time
38.  Forward this email to 10 people or you'll have bad luck!
39.  Macy's is having an awesome buy one, get one free online sale. You in?
40.  I'd rather not sponsor a take your child to work day. I hate children.

41.  WTF?
42.  Remember, there is no I in team
43.  I'm praying for your soul
44.  I have a fantastic investment opportunity for you
45.  It's obvious that she needs a makeover

46.  Does this make sense?
47.  That's not my fault
48.  You're the only one to complain about this
49.  No offense, but…
50.  Anyone on the planet could do a better job than him
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Photo credit: Hubble Space Telescope / ESA via Visualhunt / CC BY
You may also like these blogs by Megan Sharma:
Free E-Book Preview: 100 of your Toughest Business Emails: Solved—Coming August 2017
On The Write Life: 17 Incredible Possibilities if Writers Ran The World
On The Write Life: Get Inspired! 20 Writers to Follow on Twitter
Article on The Write Life: Think Like a Journalist to Improve Your Writing (Trench Coat Optional!)
How to be the perfect friend: a guide for the ladies
Writing tips: What I want to blog about vs. what I actually blog about
One year after my major career change from full-time mom to full-time writer: reflections and lessons learned
For writers: All your writing fears, squashed!
A real, imperfect day in the life of a writer: me
Your writing conference checklist: how to make it worth every minute and every penny (takeaways from the 2017 San Francisco Writers Conference) 
The write stuff: An author’s favorite books and authors 
Writing tips: Cutting down on word fat and other newsletter best practices 
All about writing: writing 'til it hurt
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Free E-Book Preview: 100 of your Toughest Business Emails: Solved—Coming August 2017

7/20/2017

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Watch for my FREE e-book, coming August 2017!
This week I am super excited to share my latest project. I have written my first e-book, and I can’t wait to put it out into the digital world!
 
The best part: it will be completely free on all digital platforms. Woop!
 
I expect to release the book next month (August 2017), and will share updates on this blog and on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.
 
So, what’s this e-book all about?
 
Here is a preview of what’s to come. 
Free E-Book Preview
100 of your Toughest Business Emails: Solved
Plug and Play Ideas from a Seasoned Corporate Communications Manager
 

Introduction
Email. We live and breathe it at work. Most of us can’t get away from it. The average office worker receives 121 emails per day.
 
Our increasingly global economy also means that we work across time zones. When those time zones don’t match up, we often rely on email to get work done.
 
As a former Corporate Communications Manager for a fast-paced IT consulting company, I know firsthand the power of words to help or hinder.
 
I spent nearly six years ghost writing for executives and coming up with innumerable ways to say things that people might not like.
 
This experience bestowed upon me an unexpected gift: the ability to conjure up a tactful way of saying just about anything, usually on the fly.
 
Yet, most of us in the business world don’t have a Corporate Communications Manager we can run to when we’re not quite sure how to word an email.
 
That is why I have created this book.
 
I want to help you smooth over your email language while still making your point.
 
I want to provide you with an easy reference guide for whenever you’re stumped on what to say.
 
And, finally, I want to help you avoid some of the inevitable drama that goes hand in hand with business communications.
 
It’s important to note that much of the language found in this book relies on references and colloquialisms most familiar to American readers. When dealing with an international audience, please consider your reader’s likely familiarity with the language you choose.
 
With my plug and play templates, you, too, can master even the toughest of business emails.  
 
Let’s dive in!
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Photo credit: markus spiske via Visual Hunt / CC BY
A few juicy tidbits that you can look forward to in the book
That’s his/her job
He/she is the expert on…
He/she is the right person for…
He/she is best suited to…
He/she has firsthand knowledge of…
He/she is your go-to person for…
He/she is your best bet for...
I disagree
I disagree (sometimes it’s perfectly appropriate to say!)
I beg to differ
I don’t agree
I’m not so sure about that…
Not necessarily
I don’t see it that way
I see it differently
I have a different perspective
I have an opposing view
I don’t have time
I’m overcommitted
I don’t have the bandwidth
I’m stretched too thin
I’m afraid I’m not available to…
If I had more availability, I would be happy to…
My time is limited
I can’t dedicate the time
I’m pressed for time
I wish I could help
I wish I had more time
My schedule is full
Here is your 1,000th reminder
As I mentioned before…
As we discussed previously…
Per my previous email…
Per our recent conversation…
As you know…
Since our last discussion…
As previously agreed...
​Over my dead body!
I’d prefer if we didn’t
Let’s think of some alternatives
Let’s brainstorm some ideas
I would rather not
It wouldn’t be my first choice
It’s not my favorite idea
I’m not a huge fan
Let’s take a different direction
Cheers to acing those business emails, and more to come very soon!
You may also like these blogs by Megan Sharma:
On The Write Life: 17 Incredible Possibilities if Writers Ran The World
On The Write Life: Get Inspired! 20 Writers to Follow on Twitter
Article on The Write Life: Think Like a Journalist to Improve Your Writing (Trench Coat Optional!)
How to be the perfect friend: a guide for the ladies
Writing tips: What I want to blog about vs. what I actually blog about
One year after my major career change from full-time mom to full-time writer: reflections and lessons learned
For writers: All your writing fears, squashed!
A real, imperfect day in the life of a writer: me
Your writing conference checklist: how to make it worth every minute and every penny (takeaways from the 2017 San Francisco Writers Conference) 
The write stuff: An author’s favorite books and authors 
Writing tips: Cutting down on word fat and other newsletter best practices 
All about writing: writing 'til it hurts
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On The Write Life: 17 Incredible Possibilities if Writers Ran The World

7/16/2017

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I'm privileged to contribute once again to The Write Life, a well-known web site offering advice and encouragement for writers. 

This is a fun and fanciful glimpse into what the world might look like if it were run by writers.

Check out the article here, and feel free to add your ideas on what makes up a writers' paradise. 

You can find all of my articles on The Write Life here.  

Until next time!

You may also like these blogs by Megan Sharma:
On The Write Life: Get Inspired! 20 Writers to Follow on Twitter
Article on The Write Life: Think Like a Journalist to Improve Your Writing (Trench Coat Optional!)
How to be the perfect friend: a guide for the ladies
Writing tips: What I want to blog about vs. what I actually blog about
One year after my major career change from full-time mom to full-time writer: reflections and lessons learned
For writers: All your writing fears, squashed!
A real, imperfect day in the life of a writer: me
Your writing conference checklist: how to make it worth every minute and every penny (takeaways from the 2017 San Francisco Writers Conference) 
The write stuff: An author’s favorite books and authors 
Writing tips: Cutting down on word fat and other newsletter best practices 
All about writing: writing 'til it hurts 
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How to be the perfect friend: a guide for the ladies

7/7/2017

2 Comments

 
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Photo by Megan Sharma
Do you remember those quizzes from Cosmopolitan and Teen magazines that helped you contemplate the very essence of your being? 
​“Are you a good friend?” “What kind of friend are you?” “Will your friendship last forever?”
 
As an introspective teen, I felt it was my personal responsibility to take these quizzes.
 
I always scored highly, secure in my belief that I was the bestest BFF to ever walk the earth.
 
In case you haven’t guessed, this is the basis on which I offer you friendship advice. If it’s good enough for Cosmo, it should be good enough for you. 
Here’s how to be the perfect friend: a guide for the ladies
Note: Perfection is impossible. Read these tips accordingly. Results may vary. 
  • Understand when a chocolate and wine Rx should be filled
  • Call on her birthday (with a musical voicemail, of course)
  • Plan girls’ trips together (Vegas, a night in the city, whatevs)
  • Never go solo for a mani-pedi (who else will help you decide on your nail color?)
  • Support her fitness goals by jumping right in with your own
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Photo by Megan Sharma
  • Telepathically convey to her whether you’re wearing sweats or jeans to brunch
  • Pass on that sale email for her favorite store (unless she’s in a ‘not buying anything right now’ phase)
  • Try new things together, like a paint night out or standup paddle-boarding
  • Conduct Facebook surveillance as required by the best friend code
  • Send her a card highlighting her best qualities, just because
  • Set goals together: like finishing your latest Netflix binge session
  • Pick up the tab every so often. You will see one another again.
  • Carefully bash the ex(s) without questioning her sanity for dating them
  • Always answer ‘yes’ when she asks if you’ll eat some of her French fries
  • Keep her fave throw blanket on hand for when she comes over to watch “The Bachelor”
  • Keep her on your list of top 3 people to call with important news
  • Help her diagnose her ailments (with the help of WebMD), and tell her when she really should see her doctor
  • Keep your pep talk game strong for breakups, job changes and family drama
  • Offer to help her pack or move (and then follow through)
  • Help her list stuff on eBay or Craigslist—photos, descriptions and all
  • Play the role of cheerleader, confidante, or tough love guru, as the situation dictates
  • Frequently practice your BFF karaoke duet
  • Snazz up her resume and cover letter when she’s on the hunt for a new job
  • Keep her favorite Riesling chilling in your fridge at all times
  • Get matching best friend bracelets—they’re not just for tweens (think Juicy Couture, Fossil, or Alex and Ani)
  • Never forget these words: ‘But first, coffee.’
  • Regularly remind her why she is so awesome
  • Help her organize her closet (Bonus! You can keep that adorable leather jacket she never wears anymore!)
  • Be a shoulder to cry on. And then tell her to snap out of it (when the time is right)
  • Help her to reach for her biggest, boldest dreams
I dedicate this post to Melinda, my bestie of 20 years. Love you to the moon, girl!
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Photo by Megan Sharma. With my bestie since age 13, Melinda!
You may also like these blogs by Megan Sharma:
How to be the perfect wife: an amateur tells all
How to be the perfect employee: 46 tips that may or may not get you fired
Date night: 60 fun and unique date ideas for the young at heart
100 believable excuses to help you avoid doing practically anything
Writing tips: What I want to blog about vs. what I actually blog about
One year after my major career change from full-time mom to full-time writer: reflections and lessons learned
Married to medicine: Letter to a young doctor’s girlfriend
Wedding Season: What NOT to say about the bride and groom in your best man or maid of honor speech
For writers: All your writing fears, squashed!
A real, imperfect day in the life of a writer: me
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