Megan Sharma's Blog: The Savvy Surgeon's Wife

On The Write Life: 12 Traits Bad Writers and Toddlers Have in Common

2/22/2018

This month on The Write Life, a trusted blog on the business and craft of writing, I'm drawing inspiration from real life.

Specifically, on life with a toddler and as a writer, and where the two paths intersect.

So, what do toddlers and bad writers have in common?

You'll have to read the article to find out. If you're a parent, writer, or both -- this one is not to be missed.

Find all of my articles on The Write Life here.

You may also like these blogs by Megan Sharma:
On The Write Life: 18 Ways to Support an Author (Besides Buying Their Book)
On The Write Life: 17 Incredible Possibilities if Writers Ran The World
On The Write Life: Get Inspired! 20 Writers to Follow on Twitter
Article on The Write Life: Think Like a Journalist to Improve Your Writing (Trench Coat Optional!)
How to be the perfect friend: a guide for the ladies
Writing tips: What I want to blog about vs. what I actually blog about
One year after my major career change from full-time mom to full-time writer: reflections and lessons learned
For writers: All your writing fears, squashed!
A real, imperfect day in the life of a writer: me
Your writing conference checklist: how to make it worth every minute and every penny (takeaways from the 2017 San Francisco Writers Conference)
The write stuff: An author’s favorite books and authors
Writing tips: Cutting down on word fat and other newsletter best practices
All about writing: writing 'til it hurts

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21 Lies Parents Tell Their Kids to Save Their Sanity

12/5/2017

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We all know that parents lie, even though sometimes we don’t realize it until we’re fully grown.

In most cases, these lies are innocuous and serve the child’s greater good.

Sometimes, though…sometimes a little white lie is the only thing that stands between a parent and exclusive membership to Club Cuckoo Bananas.

Might as well own it.

21 Lies Parents Tell Their Kids to Save Their Sanity

1. Santa/God/Jesus/Your Teacher/Preferred Religious or Authority Figure knows exactly what you’re doing
It’s like having a nanny cam 24/7—even at school. So, don’t even try it, kid.

2. Sorry, the toy store is closed today
And the next day, and the next day, and the next. Until you forget about that ridiculous talking/singing migraine-maker.

3. No, I’m not eating anything
Because I already shoved it down my throat before you could catch a glimpse of your precious Doritos

4. If you don’t start behaving, they are going to kick you out of here
Even if ‘here’ is literally the hell known as Chuck E. Cheese’s

5. Eat your vegetables or your face will fall off
Because green beans have been known to prevent acute face melti-ture

6. Hurry up, I’m going to leave without you!
And take my phantom daughter to daycare. Obviously.

7. You wouldn’t like it, it’s yucky/spicy/gross/only for grownups
Mmmmmm, red velvet cheesecake…

8. I am everywhere
Yup, I’m like gluten. Good luck trying to get rid of me.

9. My phone is broken/dead/sleeping right now
Until you get distracted by something else, that is

10. Mommy and Daddy are also going to bed
In several hours. After we catch up on “Designated Survivor”

11. I hope your teacher doesn’t find out about this
Although according to lie number one, he/she is always watching you, so there’s that.

12. It’s your bed time! Hop to it!
Or 20 minutes before I want you in bed, but let’s not get too caught up in the math

13. My credit card isn’t working, so we can’t buy it
Are YOU buying this? Good.

14. I know everything
Thanks, Google!

15. Oh no, “Frozen” isn’t loading!
Because I didn’t put it in the DVD player

Don't test me today, Elsa

16. I can’t understand you when you use your whiny voice
It’s a very specific hearing problem

17. The car won’t start unless you buckle up
Pay no attention to that big, red start/stop button next to the steering wheel

18. Let’s just rest our eyes for a bit
My grandmother used to use this one on me all the time. It worked!

19. I know when you’re lying
But I hope you don’t know when I’m lying

20. I haven’t seen your old ratty toy anywhere
Since I threw it in the garbage and prayed you would move on

21. Maybe tomorrow/next time/another time
‘Maybe’ should have been your first clue that this wasn’t going to happen

Photo by Lennart Tange on Visualhunt.com / CC BY

Okay, people: what other lies have you told your kids? What did your parents tell you when you were growing up? Leave a comment!

You may also like these blogs by Megan Sharma:
Parenting Life: I Can’t Feel Guilty if…(Holiday Edition)
Family fun: How to have a less stressful and happier holiday season
Mom Life: Imagine a World Run by Moms
60 fun and unique date ideas for the young at heart
Parenting: A no-fuss guide to your toddler’s birthday party for Pinterest-fatigued parents
Baby/toddler travel guide series: going international
Baby/toddler travel guide series: what to pack
Baby/toddler travel guide series: the essentials!
Boss baby: 22 traits shared by 2-year-olds and bad bosses
Vacation fun: 44 things you only do when you're on vacation or holiday
Cruise with kids: 20 secrets to a successful family cruise with toddlers (baby/toddler travel guide series)
Cruise with kids: Entertainment strategies that keep the whole family happy (baby/toddler travel guide series)
Cruise with kids: Travel tips for cruising with toddlers (baby/toddler travel guide series)

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Parenting Life: I Can’t Feel Guilty if…(Holiday Edition)

11/22/2017

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So, what is up with this whole GUILT thing?

Where did it come from? Why is it so hard to shake?

Why do I feel the need to write a blog about it to absolve my conscience?

I don’t have the answers to these questions. I can only assume that guilt is fundamental and unique to the human experience.

I mean, think about it.

When a squirrel sees that their neighbor squirrel has just been blessed with a whole tree full of baby squirrels, do you think they feel guilty if they can’t swing by with a homemade acorn pie?

NO. They do not. Because they are squirrels.

The moral of the story: we might be just a tad saner if we aimed to live life more like the squirrels, and delete ‘should’ from our vocabulary.

Here we go. Here’s my attempt to shake off some of that guilt.

Join me, won’t you?

As a parent and an ordinary human being, I can’t feel guilty if…

Photo by Christopher.Michel on Visual hunt / CC BY

It’s not homemade

I don’t make an appearance at the gym

Our laundry seems to spontaneously multiply

The best I can do is take-n-bake pizza

I spend two hours getting my hair done once a month

Facebook reminded me it was your birthday today. I can’t remember everyone’s birthday without a little help.

I take a nap instead of picking through my basement for Goodwill donations

I ‘accidentally’ eat six Reese’s peanut butter cups and four Kit Kat bars in rapid succession

I order Thanksgiving dinner from the local grocery store

We moved in 2.5 years ago and still aren’t 100% unpacked

Photo by emmajanehw on VisualHunt.com / CC BY

I didn’t participate in the school potluck, because it was inconvenient, and I just didn’t feel like it

I save too many useless receipts

I go a little nuts at TJ Maxx…on the regular

I resort to a movie to keep my toddler busy

If (when) I don’t have a perfect body

I’m a month behind on pedicures

I post photos on Facebook immediately or months later, and nothing in between

The meal delivery service meals sit in the refrigerator untouched, alongside takeout leftovers, because it’s been that kind of week

I show up an hour late to the party. Okay, I do feel a bit guilty, but my kid was napping.

SPILL IT! What are you no longer going to feel guilty about? Leave a comment!

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Mom Life: Imagine a World Run by Moms

10/8/2017

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Sometimes when I’m cleaning up a puddle of pee or begging my toddler to put on pants, I dream. I dream of a world run by moms.

Dream with me, friends.

Welcome to a World Run by Moms

All doors at shopping malls, grocery stores and restaurants are wide enough to accommodate a double stroller.

There is no such thing as ‘mom jeans’, only ‘your booty looks fabulous jeans’.

Paid maternity leave is guaranteed for ALL moms.

Diaper changing stations are available in all men’s restrooms, and those restrooms are clean as a whistle. Why isn’t this already a thing?

Mornings are peaceful and nag-free. Kids dress themselves, use the bathroom, brush their teeth and hair, and eat breakfast without the constant power struggle.

Businesses offer free, on-site day care for working moms.

Moms in a hurry can opt for the express check-out lane reserved for moms in every store.

Anyone traveling with a child (mom, dad or grandparent) is granted unlimited carry-on baggage. Oh yeah, and they enjoy priority boarding, like in the good old days.

Car seats are designed to be buckled and un-buckled one-handed.

Workplaces are equipped with pumping rooms and napping rooms for new moms.

Eating chocolate burns calories rather than piling them on.

No more mom brain – your to do list magically takes care of itself.

Nail and hair salons offer a playground and supervised childcare for your kiddos.

Feeling achy? Text the Mobile Mom Masseuse Squad to work out those kinks while you're on the go.

When a mom decides she is done having children, she is offered a complimentary tummy tuck and a spa day, because she deserves it.

Can’t make it through your errands without a cat nap? Check into Hotel Mom for an hour or two, a plush sanctuary for you to get some rest (childcare provided).

Every new mother is matched with a highly qualified personal assistant while they figure things out.

Out of milk and diapers? Breeze through your friendly neighborhood baby emergency supply drive-thru.

Local baristas are trained to memorize their mom customers’ orders to help speed things along. In fact, they have your drink ready as you walk through the door.

When you’re up late feeding your baby, click on the Entertain Mom app, filled with hilarious YouTube videos, memes and articles just for moms.

About to have a total freak-out moment? Step into a discreet, sound-proof Freak Out Pod, and scream and swear to your heart’s content.

Moms night out = any damn night (or day) you please.

A museum-quality curation service arranges and displays your kids’ art perfectly in your home.

Women and men are paid equally. Because we are LITERALLY doing the exact same work. Again, why is this not reality?

Drinking fountains are expanded to include coffee fountains, filled with organic cold brew, of course.

No time to get dolled up before work or a play date? Stop into a beauty café, and a skilled makeup artist will do your makeup while you wait for your latte.

No need to worry about re-stocking that diaper bag. It restocks itself when supplies get low.

Got a personal haz-mat situation, thanks to a baby spit up or blowout? Pop into a Freshen Up Pop Up for moms, where you can grab a quick shower and a change of clothes without stinking up your car.

Ummmm…any entrepreneurial moms out there who want to make this happen? I. Am. In!

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Boss baby: 22 traits shared by 2-year-olds and bad bosses

9/26/2017

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I had an epiphany today: If bad behavior were an Olympic sport, horrible bosses and toddlers would be fighting tooth and paci for the gold.

Of course, 2-year-olds have the legitimate justification of not yet being fully formed humans. I mean, their brains are still developing.

So, what is your horrible boss’s excuse?

Horrible bosses: 22 things 2-year-olds and bad bosses have in common

1. Self-absorbed
Your toddler: I want I want I WANT!!!

Your boss: Don’t mess up my reputation, underling.

2. Can’t be reasoned with
Your toddler: [Refuses to wear coat on 20-degree winter day]. NO! I want to wear my swimsuit. No coat.

Your boss: I reviewed your budget report and I see that you’ve identified a $275K deficit. That should be easy to move around and balance, right? Have it done pronto.

3. Don't do their fair share
Your toddler: Runs wild through the house, eats everything in sight, complains about being bored, demands to watch a movie, spills cheerios all over the kitchen, and then kicks you instead of helping you clear the mess.

Your boss: Runs wild through the office, eats a half dozen bagels on bagel day, complains about being ‘soooo busy’, demands a status update, spills coffee all over the shared kitchen, and then leaves you to mop up the mess.

4. Take you for granted
Your toddler: Daddy will make my macaroni.

Your boss: Sheryl will take care of it. She always does.

5. Don't acknowledge your hard work
Your toddler: NO, I want chicken nuggets! [After you’ve spent three hours preparing an extravagant dinner]

Your boss: Oh, I completely forgot about that. What else is on your to-do list? [After you’ve spent six months tackling a near-impossible task]

6. Make a mess and expect you to clean it up
Your toddler: [Removes every piece of clothing and pees on the floor] Mommy, look what I did for you.

Your boss: [Instigates political firestorm in the office] You’ll get this squared away by end of day, won’t you?

7. Attempt to control everything
Your toddler: [Imitating your exact tone of voice] Excuuuuuuuse me, Daddy, you do NOT talk to me like that.

Your boss: [On casual Friday, when literally everyone in the office except your boss is wearing jeans] I noticed that you’re wearing jeans today. Is that appropriate for the workplace?

8. Are terrible at listening
Your toddler: [After hearing it’s time to go to school, immediately hides under the bed and starts giggling like mad]

Your boss: [While you are confiding one of your deepest professional insecurities] [Looks like she’s been shaken from a dream] I’m sorry, were you saying something?

9. Often yell and/or throw fits when things don’t go their way
Your toddler: But I don’t WANT my friends to come over for my birthday party to give me presents and eat pizza and cake! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want to sit in this box and never come out.

Your boss: But I don’t WANT my co-workers to acknowledge my birthday with a cake and be forced to socialize with them for more than two minutes. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want to sit in this office and never come out.

10. Ask for something, then immediately reject it
Your toddler: I want bubbles. [Hands child bubble wand] NO! I HATE BUBBLES! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???

Your boss: Where is that marketing plan I asked for? [Employee responds: It’s been in your inbox for a week] Well, why did you send it so soon? I didn’t want it clogging up my email!

11. Change their mind constantly
Your toddler: I want chocolate cake. I want vanilla cake. I want chocolate cake. NO, VANILLA! [Conversation continues into eternity]

Your boss: I think this is the right strategy. Or maybe this isn’t the best strategy. Let’s do more brainstorming. Shouldn’t we start from scratch? Ask Bob what he thinks.

12. Always think they are right
Your toddler: I’m cuter than you, so I must be right.

Your boss: I’m smarter than you, so I must be right.

13. Resist even the smallest of changes
Your toddler: New socks? NEVER!!!

Your boss: Remove the emojis from my email signature? YOU CAN’T TAKE MY FREEDOM!

14. Have the absolute worst timing
Your toddler: [While on a video conference call with your boss and the CEO of the company] Your toddler enters the room, completely naked, and announces: I POOPED!

Your boss: [Just as you are packing up your laptop for a long weekend] I just thought of one more thing I’d like you to finish before you head out…

15. Can alter your day from good to ghastly in mere minutes
Your toddler: Mama, where do babies come from? [Unprepared parent cringes]

Your boss: [Without warning] Franklin, we need to discuss your performance. RIGHT. NOW. Close the door.

16. Blind to their own faults and weaknesses
Your toddler: Yup, I eat my own boogers. Is there a problem here?

Your boss: Yup, I verbally abuse my own employees. Is there a problem here?

17. Constantly play favorites
Your toddler: [To Mommy]. Daddy is my favorite. Daddy is my favorite. Daddy-is-my-FAVORITE! Go away, Mommy. I no like you.

Your boss: You know I never play favorites, but the employee of the month is…Ricardo, again! Congratulations to Ricardo! The rest of you should aim to be more like him.

18. Have emotional outbursts
Your toddler: NO, I AM NOT TIRED!!!! NO NAP TIME! While writhing on the floor of Costco, clutching a jumbo pack of string cheese.

Your boss: NO, I AM NOT TIRED! Just bring me my coffee, damnit.

19. Make demands without providing any guidance or context
Your toddler: I WANT THAT TOY!!!! THAT ONE! NO, NOT THAT ONE. [Every toy parent points to in the Toys R Us store elicits the same response]

Your boss: I want this to be top-notch! I’ll know what that means when I see it! I don’t have time for questions.

20. Skip out on their obligations
Your toddler: ME NO WANT TO BUCKLE MY SEATBELT! [Every morning in the car seat, like clockwork]

Your boss: Oh, I was supposed to sign your timesheet? I wasn’t aware of that. [After four years of weekly reminders to sign the same freaking timesheet]

21. Lie to get what they want
Your toddler: Daddy said I could have some ice cream. Daddy: I have no recollection of this. [Toddler puts on most fetching grin]

Your boss: [Lying through teeth] If this isn’t done right, we’ll all be fired.

22. Never say thank you
Your toddler: [Says for the very first time] Thank you, Da-Da [Daddy falls down at baby’s feet in worship]

Your boss: Why should I thank you for doing what you get paid to do?

Let this be a lesson to horrible bosses to stop acting like babies, and babies (toddlers) to stop acting like bosses.

We’re all in this together!

Do you have a Boss Baby or a Baby Boss? Tell us about it in the comments (no names, please)!

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Vacation fun: 44 things you only do when you're on vacation or holiday

8/2/2017

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On vacation: two of the most magical words in the English language.

When you’re on vacation or holiday, your state of mind changes completely.

You’re adventurous. You’re lazy. You want to talk to strangers. You seek new and novel experiences. You eat until your stomach nearly explodes.

It’s all part of the charm of vacating your everyday life.

Can I teleport myself here? NOW?

Our family LOVES to travel. Lives for it, really.

In honor of our upcoming trip to Seattle and Alaska (bucket list!), here’s a little vacation fun to brighten up your day, whether you’re lying on a pristine beach or plugging away at the office.

Three cheers for pineapple

44 things you only do when you're on vacation or holiday

1. Consume dessert twice, if not three times, every day
2. Sleep in until OMG-o-clock
3. Tell yourself and your travel companions: It's a once in a lifetime opportunity!
4. Watch other drunk tourists sing karaoke, and possibly join in
5. Consider showering only after you've already hit the beach or pool

Why shower before hitting the pool?

6. Convince yourself that calories are an illusion
7. Say things like ‘the native culture’ even though you're in Minneapolis
8. Push from your mind the fact that you will eventually have to settle that credit card bill
9. Take photos with random street performers
10. Two words: day drinking

Daytime cocktails

11. Wear a beach hat on a plane
12. Proudly activate your out of office message
13. Actually read a book or magazine from cover to cover
14. Take photos of random buildings
15. Go ziplining or four-wheeling

Photo credit: vastateparksstaff via Visualhunt.com / CC BY

16. Say things like "I want the authentic experience"
17. Order food in a foreign language
18. Aggressively ignore email messages
19. Carry a backpack or fanny pack
20. Wear a shirt decked out with palm trees

Photo credit: bobbi vie via Visualhunt.com / CC BY

21. Eat enough breakfast at the buffet to keep you stuffed all day
22. Lay out in the sun doing nothing
23. Get a massage, guilt-free
24. Talk to strangers from your home country or hometown
25. Take hundreds of photos that you'll never print out

We're going to cherish this selfie forever!

26. Walk around in public barefoot and swimsuit-clad
27. Bring home tiny pilfered bottles of shampoo and shower gel
28. Observe the one ice cream or gelato per day rule
29. Stake out poolside loungers around 6 am, then go back to bed, eat breakfast, and show up at the pool at 11 am. Yup, everyone hates you.
30. Buy useless, overpriced trinkets

Photo credit: Alberto.. via Visualhunt / CC BY

31. Check the weather back home and gloat as required
32. Opt for an impromptu ping pong championship
33. Practice yoga on the beach
34. Befriend the local cab driver, bellman and hotel concierge so you can get the 'inside scoop'
35. Tan your skin to a lovely shade of crimson

Photo credit: Zach Dischner via Visual hunt / CC BY

36. Take a bubble bath in a deep soaking tub
37. Get hair braids or henna tattoos
38. Pass on a drink unless it contains fruit garnish or a tiny paper umbrella
39. Sit shivering in an air-conditioned cocoon while it's 90+ degrees outside
40. Wear sunglasses, even at night

Sun's out, shades on

41. Eventually wish you were back home in your own bed, in your regular routine
42. Worry over tipping customs
43. Ask other people where they are from
44. Watch the sunrise or sunset