I am no stranger to being managed. Ever since the day back in high school when I set foot in the Federal Way, WA Old Navy (now a Trader Joe’s), donned my navy-blue employee t-shirt, clipped on my walkie talkie, and learned the many virtues of Old Navy performance fleece, I have been an employee.

​Since my early days in affordable fashion for the whole family, I have worked for the State of Washington, on a political campaign for U.S. Senate, for the world’s largest nonprofit organization, for a Seattle-based IT marketing firm, and, most recently, as a Communications Manager for a Northwest technology consulting company. I’ve even been a boss myself.
 
The bottom line: I’ve had a lot of bosses. I’ve learned from all of them. And over the years, I have picked up on some secrets to pleasing superiors.
 
Lucky for you, I am going to share those secrets with you today. If you don’t find them groundbreaking and illuminating and life-changing, well…I never claimed they would be. Winky face. 

Just to keep you on your toes, I’ve interspersed the real, God’s-honest-truth advice with some suggestions likely to get you fired. ‘Cuz I know you like a challenge, you rock star employee!

It's up to you to decide which advice is bonkers and which is brilliant. 
 
Happy reading and happy working!

My husband and I are coming up on our five-year wedding anniversary this May (hooray for love!). Traditionally that means we would exchange gifts of wood, or silverware. Don’t ask me where those traditions came from. I have not the slightest clue.
 
Our impending anniversary got me thinking about what it means to be married, and specifically, what it means to be a wife.

Ladies, did you receive advice from mothers, aunts, grandmothers and married friends during your bridal shower, with recommendations such as “never go to bed angry” and “look on the bright side”? I surely did. 

My grandparents have been happily married for nearly 66 years now. Isn’t that the most incredible thing you’ve ever heard? They were high school sweethearts and they’ve been married for exactly twice the length of time that I have been on this earth and they still have witty banter and hold hands at church and represent everything that is good about love and marriage. 

So, as you can see, my grandmother should really be the one to write this blog on how to be a perfect wife. If she did, you would get some solid counsel from one of the coolest ladies in the universe who also happens to save leftover cold, buttered toast from Sunday brunch in her purse (waste not, want not!).
 
Too bad for you, I’m the one writing, so I get to inject my own sarcastic sense of humor.
 
Thus, how to be the perfect wife:

• Work hard to maintain your womanly figure, to please your man. But don’t focus too much on outer appearances and do it to be healthy, not to maintain a pervasive cultural standard of beauty.

 

• Always have a hot dinner on the table and a cocktail waiting for your husband when he returns from work. But sometimes rush out the door to your girls’ night happy hour while informing your husband that there are Lean Cuisines in the freezer, or he can cook for himself.

• Submit to your husband. That is, submit your ‘honey-do’ list on a regular basis.

 

• In an argument, your beloved should always have the last word. Unless that last word happens to contradict your point.

• ​If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Passive aggressive behavior is usually more effective, anyway.

 

• Never begin a sentence with the word ‘you’. ‘I feel like duct taping your mouth shut’ is more sensitive to your partner’s feelings. 

• ​Remember that a woman’s place is in the home. Or in the office. Or in the White House. Or in the spa. Or wherever she damn well pleases.

 

• You must always stroke that delicate ego of his. And then shut it down at precisely the right moment. 

• Don’t forget to apply makeup, style your hair, and dress in a manner that your husband finds attractive. Except on yoga pants-messy bun-no makeup days.

 

• The perfect wife keeps her home spic and span at all times. Or at least occasionally clears a walkway through the chaos. 

Are you still with me?

In all seriousness, there is no such thing as perfection when it comes to husbands, wives and marriages. All we can do is our best and hope for the best.
 
I still remember the advice my dad gave in his father of the bride speech on our wedding day. He and my mom have been married for almost 37 years now, so they are another excellent example of a marriage gone right.
 
Remember that your partner has your best interests at heart. Remember that you’re on the same team. 

Alas, it’s that time of year: sunlight streams into your home, revealing dust and dirt that you somehow never noticed during the frigid winter months.
 
Spring cleaning is either loved or hated by all. But everyone can manage at least a few of these simple spring cleaning tips.
 
25 spring cleaning tips that even lazy people can do:

1.       Clean out your fridge. Start by removing everything and giving the shelving a wipe-down (don’t use harsh cleaners). Then check expiration dates on your condiments—toss anything that’s past its prime.

2.      Tackle your freezer. See what you’ve got frozen down in the depths and plan some meals around it to free up space. Make sure to thaw meats and seafoods safely.
 
3.      Don’t neglect light fixtures. Light fixtures should be given a good dusting at least every couple of months. So, break out that step ladder!

4.    Get your outdoor furniture party-ready. Give your patio, deck or porch furniture (especially wrought iron) a good wipe down with a rag and some water, and you’re good to go.

5.     Get rid of burnt popcorn smell. Clean your microwave the natural way: cut a lemon in half, add a sprinkle of kosher salt, and use it to scrub the inside of the microwave. Lovely smell and cleaning power from citric acid!

6.     Freshen your carpet. Sprinkle baking soda on your carpet, then leave it there for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, vacuum.

7.      Windows are the windows to the soul. Give some love to your windows—both inside and out. And don’t forget to open them up and clean that dirt-loving window track.

8.    Caress your cabinets. Remove grease and dirt from your kitchen cabinets with wood cleaner or a mixture of 1 quart hot water and ½ cup lemon juice.
​
9.    Power to the cleaner. Empty and add a new filter to your vacuum cleaner so it can do the job right. Make this a regular habit.

10.  Showered with freshness. If you use a plastic shower curtain and/or shower curtain liner, wash with a load of dirty towels and then hang to dry. Fabric curtains can also be washed, of course. 

11.    Give your garage a sweep. Literally. Sweep out the dead leaves, cobwebs, and dirt that have accumulated all winter.

12.   Clean your keyboard. Use a cotton ball or Q-tip spritzed with a tiny bit of antibacterial cleaning spray to clean those hard-to-reach crevices in your computer keyboard.

13.    It’s toaster time. Empty the charred crumbs from your toaster or toaster oven.

14.   Skip the air freshener. Create a fresh smelling and inviting bathroom by adding a few drops of essential oil to the inside of your toilet paper roll.

15.    Do the seasonal swap. When it seems to be more spring than winter, I do the ‘seasonal swap’ with my clothes and shoes, trading my winter boots on our shoe rack for sandals. This is also the perfect time to go through your wardrobe and set aside items you haven’t worn or used for over a year for donating. This will also save you money when shopping for the new season, because you’ll know what’s already in your closet. 

16.   De-grubify toys. Got kids? Give their plastic toys (none with batteries, obviously) a little bath with warm water and dish soap. You could even use your bathtub for the job—simply plug the drain.

17.   Trash talk. Notice that the rubbish smell persists even after you’ve taken out the trash? Give the inside of your trash cans a good antibacterial wipe down and let them dry.

18.   Out with the old. Recycle old magazines, donate books you no longer read, file away the most special cards and letters, and make room for the new.

19.   Fanfare. Use an old pillowcase to clean individual blades of a ceiling fan without taking a dust shower.

20.  I’ll take a coffee, hold the mold. Clean out your classic coffee maker or pod style machine with these instructions, and enjoy a better cup of joe. 

21. Clean your oven the natural way. Those oven cleaning chemicals can be horrendous-smelling. Try it with baking soda and vinegar, instead.

22.   Want cleaner clothes? Don’t forget to clean your washing machine once a year.

23.   Breathe easier. Replace your air filters every 90 days. This helps keep allergens out of your home and also prevents a fire hazard.

24.  Unblock your showerheads. Remove the grime from your showerheads with this simple trick: fill a clear plastic sandwich bag with warm water, vinegar and lemon juice. Then tie the bag snugly around the shower nozzle, allowing it to soak in and eat up that dirt.

25.   De-dustify your lampshades. Use a lint roller to remove that stubborn dust without damaging your lampshade. 

Who wants to come clean my house? 

Got a hankering for procrastination? Aiming to avoid an unpleasant social situation? Get your fill here!
 
Now, I'm all for accountability and doing what's right. But every now and then we need a polite reason to say 'no'.

​Check out these totally legit excuses for just about anything. 

      11.  I have a doctor’s note
     12.  I’m allergic to it
     13.  I’m pregnant
     14.  I just had a baby
     15.  My wife is pregnant
     16.  My wife just had a baby
     17.  I’m too tired
     18.  My kids are too tired/cranky
     19.  I’m too busy
     20. It’s too cold

      21.   It’s too hot
     22.  The weather is too perfect
     23.  I don’t have the money
     24.  I don’t have the time
     25.  I don’t have the desire
     26.  I have nothing to wear
     27.  I’ve never done it before
     28.  I’ve done it too many times before
     29.  I have a prior commitment
     30.  I’ll have to play it by ear

      31.  I don’t have a babysitter
     32.  I can’t afford a babysitter
     33.  Our babysitter quit
     34.  It’s not in the budget
     35.  I won’t know until I have a budget
     36.  My psychic said not to
     37.  My therapist said not to
     38.  My husband/wife said not to
     39.  I’m not in the mood
     40.  It’s one of my biggest fears

      41.  I’ll need to think about it, first
     42.  I haven’t had my coffee yet
     43.  I haven’t had my wine yet
     44.  I haven’t had my whiskey yet
     45.  I have to work
     46.  My husband/wife has to work
     47.  My life is too complicated
     48.  My life is boring, but I like it that way
     49.  That’s not my job
     50.  That’s his job

        51.  That’s her job
     52.  Why don’t we see if the intern can manage it?
     53.  I’m too drunk
     54.  I’m not drunk enough
     55.  I’m going out of town
     56.  I’m out of town
     57.  I just returned from being out of town
     58.  This isn’t a priority for me
     59.  I don’t know what my priorities are
     60.  I’m too busy writing my bucket list

        61.  I’m too busy pining over my bucket list
     62.  I’m too busy living my bucket list
     63.  I thought you were only joking
     64.  I was only joking
     65.  I thought you meant next week
     66.  I thought you were speaking to someone else
     67.  I didn’t think you were serious about that
​     68.  My computer is broken
     69.  My computer has a virus
     70.  I need to buy a new computer

       71.  We don’t know each other well enough for that
     72.  We know each other all too well
     73.  I have no memory of that
     74.  My back hurts
     75.  My knees hurt
     76.  I just got Lasik
     77.  The timing is off right now
     78.  It’s not you, it’s me
     79.  I have a conference
     80.  I have a meeting

      81.  I have to check my email
     82.  My kids are potty training
     83.  I have to drop off/pick up my kids from school
     84.  I have to visit my grandfather in the hospital
     85.  I already have plans
     86.  I must wait at home for a delivery
     87.  I must wait at home for a service call
    88. My favorite show is on TV (because I live in another century and don’t have On Demand)
     89.  I thought you were being sarcastic
     90.  My hamster died