Business Email Etiquette

Business Email Etiquette: 50 Things You Should Never Say in a Work Email

7/30/2017

Business email etiquette has been on my mind as of late.

You see, I just wrote this cool e-book called 100 of Your Toughest Business Emails: Solved, available early to my awesome email subscribers, and coming soon to Amazon and other digital formats.

The e-book gives tons of examples for things you can or should say when you really feel like wringing your co-worker’s neck, but need to be diplomatic.

Oh, but the list of things you SHOULDN’T say in an email with any professional association is practically endless.

That’s where I thought I would have some fun.

Too much fun

Generally, it’s best to avoid the following in business emails:

Put-downs
Foul language
Inappropriate jokes (jokes of any kind, really)
Attempts to procure money from your colleagues in the form of fundraising or otherwise
Anything illegal
Highly confidential or personal information
Politics, religion. The stuff that works your family into a tizzy at Thanksgiving.
Anything you wouldn’t want to see plastered on the front page of the newspaper or your company’s intranet page
Romantic overtures
Conflicts of interest
Subjects not related to your work. Period.

Now that we’ve established those ground rules, let’s enjoy the best of the worst of them.

Laying out the groundrules

50 Things You Should Never, Ever Say in a Business Email

This is a sacred place!

1. That outfit is heinous
2. Everyone knows that so-and-so and so-and-so are having an affair
3. I'm thinking of leaving to work for a competitor
4. I don't do much work. I mostly shop online all day.
5. OMG ROFL & LMAO

Photo credit: Jonas B via Visual hunt / CC BY

6. I can't stand working with Susie
7. A kindergartner could do a better job
8. Don't tell anyone, but I peed in the office coffee pot
9. Does Bob have a girlfriend?
10. I'm counting on you to support my Race for the (X Charitable Cause)

I'm running away from my co-workers who keep asking me for money

11. Holy F***ing s***!
12. Did you see last night's episode of "Game of Thrones"? Whoa.
13. My boss is slowly sucking the life from my soul
14. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???
15. I never have to buy pens any more. They're free at the office!

Office supplies are for use in the office

16. What are you having for lunch today? I’m craving sushi.
17. Sorry, my ex-wife took every last penny
18. Do you even read your emails?
19. You really screwed this one up, didn't you?
20. Rachel looks super sexy today

Photo credit: Ms. Phoenix via Visual hunt / CC BY

21. Do you know where I can buy some weed?
22. I think I feel a cold coming on…cough, cough (HAHA!). Looks like I'll have to take a 'sick' day :)
23. Can I borrow $20?
24. You're going to hell
25. All the free donuts in the world could not make me happy in this job

Donuts can be persuasive...sometimes

26. I am beyond hungover
27. How much do they pay you here?
28. I couldn't care less
29. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (Top Secret)
30. My dog is cuter than your kid

It's tough to beat a puppy in a cup

31. Let's hit the strip club after work
32. Are you in for online poker during our conference call?
33. I'm selling my old TV. Do you want it?
34. Anyone who votes for (X CANDIDATE) is an IDIOT!
35. I know you're Jewish, but Merry Christmas!

Merry...everything!

36. So a guy walks into a bar…
37. I'm supposed to meet with my parole officer at that time
38. Forward this email to 10 people or you'll have bad luck!
39. Macy's is having an awesome buy one, get one free online sale. You in?
40. I'd rather not sponsor a take your child to work day. I hate children.

Who wouldn't love this face?

41. WTF?
42. Remember, there is no I in team
43. I'm praying for your soul
44. I have a fantastic investment opportunity for you
45. It's obvious that she needs a makeover

Lipstick or no lipstick? None of your business.

46. Does this make sense?
47. That's not my fault
48. You're the only one to complain about this
49. No offense, but…
50. Anyone on the planet could do a better job than him