Business Email Etiquette

Business Email Etiquette: 50 Things You Should Never Say in a Work Email

7/30/2017

Business email etiquette has been on my mind as of late.

You see, I just wrote this cool e-book called 100 of Your Toughest Business Emails: Solved, available early to my awesome email subscribers, and coming soon to Amazon and other digital formats.

The e-book gives tons of examples for things you can or should say when you really feel like wringing your co-worker’s neck, but need to be diplomatic.

Oh, but the list of things you SHOULDN’T say in an email with any professional association is practically endless.

That’s where I thought I would have some fun.

Generally, it’s best to avoid the following in business emails:

Put-downs
Foul language
Inappropriate jokes (jokes of any kind, really)
Attempts to procure money from your colleagues in the form of fundraising or otherwise
Anything illegal
Highly confidential or personal information
Politics, religion. The stuff that works your family into a tizzy at Thanksgiving.
Anything you wouldn’t want to see plastered on the front page of the newspaper or your company’s intranet page
Romantic overtures
Conflicts of interest
Subjects not related to your work. Period.

Now that we’ve established those ground rules, let’s enjoy the best of the worst of them.

50 Things You Should Never, Ever Say in a Business Email

1. That outfit is heinous
2. Everyone knows that so-and-so and so-and-so are romantically involved
3. I'm thinking of leaving to work for...(competitor)
4. I'm not busy. I mostly shop online all day.
5. OMG ROFL & LMAO

6. I can't stand working with (X)
7. A toddler could do a better job
8. Don't tell anyone, but I peed in the office coffee pot
9. Does (X) have a girlfriend?
10. I'm counting on you to support my Race for the (X Charitable Cause)

11. Holy F***ing s***!
12. Did you see last night's episode of "Game of Thrones"? Whoa.
13. My boss is slowly sucking the life from my soul
14. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???
15. I never have to buy pens anymore. They're free at the office!

16. What are you having for lunch today? I’m craving sushi.
17. Sorry, my ex-wife took every last penny
18. Do you even read your emails?
19. You really screwed this one up, didn't you?
20. You look super sexy today

21. Do you know where I can buy some (illicit substance)?
22. I think I feel a cold coming on…cough, cough (HAHA!). Looks like I'll have to take a "sick" day :)
23. Can I borrow $20?
24. You're going to hell
25. All the free donuts in the world could not make me happy in this job

26. I am beyond hungover
27. How much do they pay you here?
28. I couldn't care less
29. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (Top Secret)
30. My dog is cuter than your kid

31. Let's hit the club after work
32. Are you in for online poker during our conference call?
33. I'm selling my old TV. Do you want it?
34. Anyone who votes for (X CANDIDATE) is an IDIOT!
35. I know you're Jewish, but Merry Christmas!

36. So a guy walks into a bar…
37. I'm supposed to meet with my parole officer at that time
38. Forward this email to 10 people or you'll have bad luck!
39. Macy's is having an awesome buy one, get one free online sale. You in?
40. I'd rather not sponsor a take your child to work day. I hate children.

41. WTF?
42. Remember, there is no I in team
43. I'm praying for your soul
44. I have a fantastic investment opportunity for you
45. It's obvious that she needs a makeover

46. Does this make sense?
47. That's not my fault
48. You're the only one to complain about this
49. No offense, but…
50. Anyone on the planet could do a better job than him

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Business Email Etiquette: 50 Things You Should Never Say in a Work Email

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