How to be the perfect wife: an amateur tells all

My husband and I are coming up on our five-year wedding anniversary this May (hooray for love!). Traditionally that means we would exchange gifts of wood, or silverware. Don’t ask me where those traditions came from. I have not the slightest clue.
 
Our impending anniversary got me thinking about what it means to be married, and specifically, what it means to be a wife.

Ladies, did you receive advice from mothers, aunts, grandmothers and married friends during your bridal shower, with recommendations such as “never go to bed angry” and “look on the bright side”? I surely did. 

Photo by Luna Bella Events, Seattle

My grandparents have been happily married for nearly 66 years now. Isn’t that the most incredible thing you’ve ever heard? They were high school sweethearts and they’ve been married for exactly twice the length of time that I have been on this earth and they still have witty banter and hold hands at church and represent everything that is good about love and marriage. 

Photo courtesy of Megan Sharma. My grandparents on their wedding day in 1951. Married happily for nearly 66 years and still going strong!

Photo courtesy of Megan Sharma. My grandparents, lifelong love birds.

So, as you can see, my grandmother should really be the one to write this blog on how to be a perfect wife. If she did, you would get some solid counsel from one of the coolest ladies in the universe who also happens to save leftover cold, buttered toast from Sunday brunch in her purse (waste not, want not!).
 
Too bad for you, I’m the one writing, so I get to inject my own sarcastic sense of humor.
 
Thus, how to be the perfect wife:

• Work hard to maintain your womanly figure, to please your man. But don’t focus too much on outer appearances and do it to be healthy, not to maintain a pervasive cultural standard of beauty.

 

• Always have a hot dinner on the table and a cocktail waiting for your husband when he returns from work. But sometimes rush out the door to your girls’ night happy hour while informing your husband that there are Lean Cuisines in the freezer, or he can cook for himself.

• Submit to your husband. That is, submit your ‘honey-do’ list on a regular basis.

 

• In an argument, your beloved should always have the last word. Unless that last word happens to contradict your point.

• ​If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Passive aggressive behavior is usually more effective, anyway.

 

• Never begin a sentence with the word ‘you’. ‘I feel like duct taping your mouth shut’ is more sensitive to your partner’s feelings. 

• ​Remember that a woman’s place is in the home. Or in the office. Or in the White House. Or in the spa. Or wherever she damn well pleases.

 

• You must always stroke that delicate ego of his. And then shut it down at precisely the right moment. 

• Don’t forget to apply makeup, style your hair, and dress in a manner that your husband finds attractive. Except on yoga pants-messy bun-no makeup days.

 

• The perfect wife keeps her home spic and span at all times. Or at least occasionally clears a walkway through the chaos. 

Are you still with me?

In all seriousness, there is no such thing as perfection when it comes to husbands, wives and marriages. All we can do is our best and hope for the best.
 
I still remember the advice my dad gave in his father of the bride speech on our wedding day. He and my mom have been married for almost 37 years now, so they are another excellent example of a marriage gone right.
 
Remember that your partner has your best interests at heart. Remember that you’re on the same team. 

Photo courtesy of Megan Sharma. My parents on a date before they got married. Too cute!

Photo courtesy of Megan Sharma. My parents and their absolutely enormous wedding party. Married since 1980!

​Cheers to long-lasting love and marriage!

You may also like these blogs by Megan Sharma:
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Celebrating Women’s History Month: 10 women of medicine and science that will knock your socks off
100 believable excuses to help you avoid doing practically anything
25 spring cleaning tips that anyone can do
A real, imperfect day in the life of a writer: me
Parenting: A no-fuss guide to your toddler’s birthday party for Pinterest-fatigued parents
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What I never expected about Midwest living
Book preview for When Medicine Meets Holy Matrimony: A word to mothers who aspire to have a surgeon-in-law
Book preview for When Medicine Meets Holy Matrimony: No, I don’t want no scrubs
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