What the what? 10 things I don’t understand about Midwest living

Image source: http://gannaingh32.deviantart.com/art/Midwest-Sunrise-110295846

I’m not yet ready to discuss the Presidential Election and its aftershocks. Nope. This week I’m going to keep it light, for humor is often the best medicine.
 
As I was driving to my favorite café today, I started thinking about the things that I still don’t understand about living in the Midwest. I have only officially lived here since July 2015—that’s less than a year and a half, if you’re counting. So, that makes me a newbie to the region.
 
Here are some of the mysteries of the Midwest that I have yet to unravel (feel free to help a girl out if you can explain!): 

1. Roadside fires. When I first noticed this phenomenon last fall, I was very concerned that some poor, unsuspecting homeowner’s life was about to go up in smoke. Then I noticed several different fires off the main road to our house. It turns out that folks around here have a penchant for burning their own yard waste, often in ditches right next to a busy road. The result is stinky, smoky, and will tempt you to call the fire department. Even my next-door neighbors are known for burning their own yard waste AND TRASH in a big rusted trash receptacle a little too close to our property line. One time I witnessed them burning Styrofoam. Because that is super great for our air quality. 

Image source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/matt_elsberry/2733450853/?ytcheck=1

2. Vanity plates. Why does everyone feel the need to express themselves via their license plates? QT 84, HOTDOC, LAUGH4U…just get a bumper sticker. 

Image source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/78428166@N00/6766798361/

 3. The Horseshoe. Yes, this is a bona-fide local delicacy. Begin with a giant pile of French fries. Add Texas toast. Add a hamburger patty or two. And douse generously with cheese sauce. I will admit that I have not yet tried it because it sounds like something I only want to eat if I’ve had too many beers. I will eventually get around to trying it. The thing that throws me for a loop is the Texas toast. Why does it need to be there? 

Image source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/davidclow/4164741750

4. The expression, ‘and that’. I have only heard this phrase in the Midwest. Let me put it into context. “I’ll be reviewing your application, your references, and that.” That what? Do they mean to say ‘and so on’ or ‘etc.’?

5. Ranch style homes. Ranch homes, which are one level, are incredibly popular ‘round these parts. Because: tornadoes? Or, because: stairs are too much work? I personally prefer the classic two-story home and having truly separate living and sleeping space. To each their own. 

Image source: http://mvhscad2012.wikispaces.com/dang+it%27s+chang+6b

6. Random temporary fencing in empty corn fields. Now that the corn has been harvested, many a corn field lies empty around town. In some of these fields, small, temporary fencing has been installed in seemingly random places, leaving gaping holes across the length of the field. What is this about? Is it to prevent cars from driving into the cornfield by mistake? Or does it provide a barrier for deer? I genuinely want to know. 

Image source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/slvnative/1913120050

7. Men’s discount day at Farm and Home Supply. There is a Farm and Home Supply store right next to my favorite Panera, so I happened to see a sign advertising a discount day for men. Because men are clearly underrepresented in society today. 

Image source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/leecannon/7143750195/

8. Lack of toilet seat covers. On the West Coast, toilet seat covers in restaurants and retail establishments are ubiquitous. Here, they are few and far between. This bothers me because of the sheer ‘ick’ factor. Also, there is no extra waste basket near the door so that you can take a paper towel and use it to cover the door handle when you exit, thereby protecting yourself from the germs of the inevitable non-hand-washers. That’s probably a germophobic Seattleite thing. 

Image source: http://sansdosage.blogspot.com/2009/06/okay-so-while-it-is-true-that-i-am.html

9. Video poker parlors everywhere. You see establishments dedicated to video poker all over town in various strip malls. And some restaurants also find it cool to advertise dining and playing the slots. But it’s not classy, people. It’s just not. 

Image source: http://saasmarketingstrategy.blogspot.com/2012/09

10. I can’t think of a 10th item. But I will say one thing I appreciate now that I’m a mom: the plethora of drive-through dining options! I frequent the Panera drive-thru and we even have a local Asian restaurant with a pick-up window (Mimosa). It’s fabulous!

Image source: http://www.shapingyouth.org/fast-food-chains-are-slowly-getting-healthier-yum/

​Can you help me understand these Midwest oddities? What about your town or region leaves you scratching your head? Leave a comment!