Some people can do calculus. I’m not one of them. But, we all have our talents!
So, without further ado, I present your goals for the New Year!
My mind is incredibly powerful. It allows me to predict, with a 1% margin of error, at least one of your 2017 New Year’s resolutions.
Some people can do calculus. I’m not one of them. But, we all have our talents! So, without further ado, I present your goals for the New Year!
Eat healthier / cut down on carbs / cut down on sugar
Eat more vegetables
Join a gym / go to the gym to which I belong / get fit / stay fit / run a marathon
Quit drinking / drink less / avoid hangovers / quit smoking
Save more money / spend less money / create budget / stick to a budget / pay off debt / make a dent in debt / create kids' college fund
Spend more quality time with friends and family
Sleep more / stress less / enjoy life to the fullest / tackle my bucket list
Do things at my own pace / avoid getting caught up in the daily grind
Make time for myself and the things I enjoy
Meditate / start a journal / practice yoga / do deep breathing exercises on the subway
Good luck and Happy New Year!!
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I’m not yet ready to discuss the Presidential Election and its aftershocks. Nope. This week I’m going to keep it light, for humor is often the best medicine.
As I was driving to my favorite café today, I started thinking about the things that I still don’t understand about living in the Midwest. I have only officially lived here since July 2015—that’s less than a year and a half, if you’re counting. So, that makes me a newbie to the region. Here are some of the mysteries of the Midwest that I have yet to unravel (feel free to help a girl out if you can explain!): 1. Roadside fires. When I first noticed this phenomenon last fall, I was very concerned that some poor, unsuspecting homeowner’s life was about to go up in smoke. Then I noticed several different fires off the main road to our house. It turns out that folks around here have a penchant for burning their own yard waste, often in ditches right next to a busy road. The result is stinky, smoky, and will tempt you to call the fire department. Even my next-door neighbors are known for burning their own yard waste AND TRASH in a big rusted trash receptacle a little too close to our property line. One time I witnessed them burning Styrofoam. Because that is super great for our air quality.
2. Vanity plates. Why does everyone feel the need to express themselves via their license plates? QT 84, HOTDOC, LAUGH4U…just get a bumper sticker.
3. The Horseshoe. Yes, this is a bona-fide local delicacy. Begin with a giant pile of French fries. Add Texas toast. Add a hamburger patty or two. And douse generously with cheese sauce. I will admit that I have not yet tried it because it sounds like something I only want to eat if I’ve had too many beers. I will eventually get around to trying it. The thing that throws me for a loop is the Texas toast. Why does it need to be there?
4. The expression, ‘and that’. I have only heard this phrase in the Midwest. Let me put it into context. “I’ll be reviewing your application, your references, and that.” That what? Do they mean to say ‘and so on’ or ‘etc.’?
5. Ranch style homes. Ranch homes, which are one level, are incredibly popular ‘round these parts. Because: tornadoes? Or, because: stairs are too much work? I personally prefer the classic two-story home and having truly separate living and sleeping space. To each their own.
6. Random temporary fencing in empty corn fields. Now that the corn has been harvested, many a corn field lies empty around town. In some of these fields, small, temporary fencing has been installed in seemingly random places, leaving gaping holes across the length of the field. What is this about? Is it to prevent cars from driving into the cornfield by mistake? Or does it provide a barrier for deer? I genuinely want to know.
7. Men’s discount day at Farm and Home Supply. There is a Farm and Home Supply store right next to my favorite Panera, so I happened to see a sign advertising a discount day for men. Because men are clearly underrepresented in society today.
8. Lack of toilet seat covers. On the West Coast, toilet seat covers in restaurants and retail establishments are ubiquitous. Here, they are few and far between. This bothers me because of the sheer ‘ick’ factor. Also, there is no extra waste basket near the door so that you can take a paper towel and use it to cover the door handle when you exit, thereby protecting yourself from the germs of the inevitable non-hand-washers. That’s probably a germophobic Seattleite thing.
9. Video poker parlors everywhere. You see establishments dedicated to video poker all over town in various strip malls. And some restaurants also find it cool to advertise dining and playing the slots. But it’s not classy, people. It’s just not.
10. I can’t think of a 10th item. But I will say one thing I appreciate now that I’m a mom: the plethora of drive-through dining options! I frequent the Panera drive-thru and we even have a local Asian restaurant with a pick-up window (Mimosa). It’s fabulous!
Can you help me understand these Midwest oddities? What about your town or region leaves you scratching your head? Leave a comment!
Today as I drove home from the gym after my self-imposed water therapy session with all the senior citizens, otherwise known as walking against a current in a circle (because I’m cool like that), I saw something peculiar on the road.
I immediately noticed the spanking new pop of mustard yellow paint separating the right side of the road from the left. Normal. After about 200 feet, however, I glimpsed a slash of tire tracks imprinted with that brand new paint, swerving a bit and then fading away.
Perhaps I am cruel or simply easily amused, but I thought it was so funny. Have you ever seen anything like this? I sure haven’t.
We’re so used to seeing perfect lines, perfect order, that this is something I never expected. So, what happened?
I have some theories.
Why do I feel the need to explain this situation to myself? It doesn’t really affect anyone. It’s still very clear where the middle of the road is. No harm, no foul. I think perhaps the main reason why I find this little blip on the radar of a Wednesday morning so intriguing is that perfection is b-o-r-i-n-g. Isn’t it so much more interesting to find a lone curly fry in your french fries, an unidentified animal print in your sidewalk, or a hot pink sharpie in your stash of regular old pens? That’s my opinion, anyway. What little imperfections in life make you smile? Please, do tell.
I’ve just learned the awful truth and my world has been turned upside down.
No, I’m not adopted. Nope, my husband doesn’t have a secret family in Tulsa. It’s much more serious. I’ve learned the truth about swim diapers: pee is all around us. Sorry, got a little too Shakespearean tragedy there. Reigning it in… Let me tell you how it unfolded. I attended a play date with an Olympic obstacle course theme. Bring clothes your kids can get wet in, and a towel! Naturally, we did. I dressed Jas in a rash guard, swim diaper, swim bottoms, and cotton shorts. We arrived later than most to the play date, and the kids had already conquered the obstacle course and dirtied up the kiddie pool with mud and grass, so Jas decided to occupy herself with eating chalk. A fine and colorful pastime, indeed. We stayed and chatted with the hostess, Jessica, and her two daughters. I was holding Jas, admiring Jessica’s handmade painting, when I realized that Jas was peeing all over me. Oh, dear. I was grateful to have brought a change of clothes—for her, not for me, obviously. I still had to wear the pee clothes. I finally wrangled Jas long enough to get a clean diaper on her, but she refused to allow shorts. Fine, whatever. Go pants-less. The next thing I know the child has pooped. I smelled it from across the room. Really, Jas? Another silent prayer of thank you that she was wearing a real diaper when this occurred. That was our cue to leave. Since the diaper bag was in the car, I changed Jas in the car trunk (don’t worry, I have a roomy SUV!) and we headed home. On the way home, I called my friend Michelle, who is also a toddler mom, and told her why I was currently wearing urine covered clothing. She lamented my poor fortune but ultimately blamed the swim diaper, “they don’t absorb anything!”. I have no idea why my skull is so thick, but it wasn’t until she said this that it finally clicked in my brain: swim diapers are a lie!! I had always sort of wondered how a swim diaper works. The kid puts it on, they go in water, and yet the diaper doesn’t puff up at all. Do you want to know why? Because, once again, it doesn’t absorb any liquid! There is no magic here. It doesn’t somehow absorb the pee but not the entire pool of water. It absorbs NOTHING. And thus, we are swimming in pools full of toddler pee. Swim diapers lure you into a false sense of security. Oh, look at me! I have Dora the Explorer on me and I will protect both you and your child from communicable disease! HAH!!! Sure, put me on in the car while you are transporting your child to a play date/water park/swim lesson and I’ll do just as good of a job as a regular diaper would! DECEPTION. The most ironic thing, perhaps, is that swim diapers cost more money than regular diapers and do about half the job. If it weren’t for the terrifying possibility of a #2, they might as well swim naked, people. I will never look at our YMCA swim lessons the same way again. To all the moms Young and old Past and future Clever and bold You are treasured You are loved Happy Mother's Day Now, where is my mimosa???!!!
Oh, you moms out there (I now count myself a member of your prestigious ranks, so I can say that). You want the very best for your children. And I mean the very best. We’re talking champagne wishes and caviar dreams, ya’ll. And who could blame us?
Maybe you, like my amazing in-laws, decided to leave everything behind in your early thirties so that your five-year-old son and future children would have a better life in a country thousands of miles from where your ancestors were born. Perhaps you quit a lucrative corporate job to stay home with your sweet baby girl. That’s what I did. Or maybe you saved your pennies to send each of your kids to college debt free. That is a very special gift. We want it all for our offspring, simply put. And we want them to find the right person to share their lives with. We pray that our daughters will meet and marry a man who is loving, kind, patient, funny, good looking, and smart. Definitely not “The Bachelor”. Oh, god, no. Someone who has his s*** together, essentially. If you think “Dr. Prince Charming” has a nice ring to it, you’re probably not alone. Just think of all the free medical advice! How should I treat a migraine? Do I need to be taking supplements? What shall I do about these warts? Oh, what fun! I’m here to offer a bit of a reality check to mothers who aspire to have a surgeon-in-law (SIL):
My mom loves her SIL dearly and I’m sure she would carry the banner for other moms out there who want to join the club. The club is pretty cool. The club comes with a free lifetime subscription to Men’s Health and Family Circle. Just kidding. |
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