How to be the perfect employee: 46 tips that may or may not get you fired

I am no stranger to being managed. Ever since the day back in high school when I set foot in the Federal Way, WA Old Navy (now a Trader Joe’s), donned my navy-blue employee t-shirt, clipped on my walkie talkie, and learned the many virtues of Old Navy performance fleece, I have been an employee.

​Since my early days in affordable fashion for the whole family, I have worked for the State of Washington, on a political campaign for U.S. Senate, for the world’s largest nonprofit organization, for a Seattle-based IT marketing firm, and, most recently, as a Communications Manager for a Northwest technology consulting company. I’ve even been a boss myself.
 
The bottom line: I’ve had a lot of bosses. I’ve learned from all of them. And over the years, I have picked up on some secrets to pleasing superiors.
 
Lucky for you, I am going to share those secrets with you today. If you don’t find them groundbreaking and illuminating and life-changing, well…I never claimed they would be. Winky face. 

Just to keep you on your toes, I’ve interspersed the real, God’s-honest-truth advice with some suggestions likely to get you fired. ‘Cuz I know you like a challenge, you rock star employee!

It's up to you to decide which advice is bonkers and which is brilliant. 
 
Happy reading and happy working!

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1.  Every day, show up to work on time, if not early

2.  Keep a shrine to your boss in your desk, and reveal it to him/her at the exact right moment

3.  Learn to accept criticism gracefully

4.  Practice your eye roll with your manager while on conference calls (they can’t see you!)

5.  Make your "yes" "YES" and your "no" "HELL NO!"

6.  Always demonstrate respect for your colleagues

7.  Overpromise and underdeliver. Wait. Is that right?

8.  Wear proper workplace attire

9.  Be sure to inform people when you think they are wrong, and exactly how wrong they are

10.  Save online shopping for your lunch break

11.  Save 2-3 hours for your lunch break

12.  Remember that your actions reflect on your superiors

13. Always look over your shoulder and lower your voice before mocking a co-worker

14.  Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before passing judgment

​15.  Aim for the top but settle for the middle

16.  Learn to be the best at your job

17.  Fake it ‘til you make it

18.  Keep your skills up-to-date with training, conferences, trade publications, stretch assignments, and continuing education

19.  Know who it is you should impress

​20.  Treat deadlines as mere suggestions 

21.  Take frequent sick days and personal days for your mental and spiritual health

22.  Understand how your boss is evaluated, what keeps him/her up at night, and how you can help ease his/her burden

23.  Promises, schmomises

24.  Follow through as if your life depends on it

​25. Begin sentences with the words: "I’m really busy checking Facebook, but…"

26.  Pair each problem presented to your manager with a realistic potential solution

27.  Establish a secret meeting place and code names for office gossip

28.  Never share the credit

29.  Use the last 15-20 minutes of your day to plan your activities and goals for the following day

​30.  Take risks—like playing online poker at work

31.  Be ambitious and know where you want to go

32.  Radiate annoyance

33.  Radiate confidence

​34.  Be as honest as Abe

​35.  Put the "I" in team

36.  ​Help make your manager’s (work) life easier

37.  Neglect your personal life if that’s what is required to get ahead

38.  Pay attention to the details of personal preference and work style of your leadership team

39.  No surprises—do everything you can to prevent your boss from being blindsided
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40.  Laugh in the face of propriety

41.  Air whatever grievances you have extremely publicly

42.  Do what you say and say what you do

43.  Practice making mistakes

44.  Learn from your mistakes

45.  Know that perfection is an illusion

​46.  Simply do your best, day in and day out 
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