Since I’m in my 30s, I’ve been a guest at quite a few weddings, and I have served as a bridesmaid in three weddings. I have yet to serve that most honored of roles (it’s in the title, after all): Matron of Honor. But when I do, I will be ready!
Since many are on the precipice of this momentous life event, I thought some advice might be in order.
I’ll first start by paraphrasing the most horrendous Best Man speech to ever shatter my eardrums. This was an occasion when people’s mouths hung open in disbelief, and it’s an incident still burned into my memory several years later.
It goes a little something like this…(yes, this happened for real to one of my best friends).
But I wasn’t always sure it would work out for them.
Mr. X’s previous relationships never seemed to last for more than a month. I didn’t think he would ever find a girl who would actually like him.
Then Mr. X started dating Mrs. X.
Things were going well at first, until God told Mr. X that he should break up with Mrs. X. I agreed and told him that he should break up with her, immediately.
But then he didn’t break up with her.
And now they’re married.
Obviously, some wisdom is warranted.
- She was dumped quite frequently
- Even though he’s still in love with his ex…
- I never liked Mrs. X, but I guess I have to try, now!
- I’m forbidden from discussing the bachelor party, but let’s just say it was not appropriate for younger audiences
- While it’s clear that he is marrying her for her money…
- The prospects were looking dire, so it’s a good thing that she met him
- I don’t believe in the prison that is marriage
- She’ll make a great first wife
- Just don’t give him any tequila, okay? We all know what happens when he drinks tequila…
- Fourth time’s a charm, right, buddy?
- If only it weren’t for that DUI, she’d be the perfect wife!
- I feel like I’m being replaced, but…(sob)…I’ll get over it
- Ya’ll know the divorce rate it 50%, right? Best of luck with that!
- BLEEP-BA-BLEEP-BLEEP—BLEEPETY BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! Oh. Sorry, Grandma June. I should have told you to turn off your hearing aid for that part.
Talk about love. Talk about how the couple complements one another. Talk about how you’ve never seen your friend happier. Talk about how much they both mean to you. And wish them the best in their new life together.
It’s pretty simple, really.
Happy wedding season!
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