Wedding Season: What NOT to say about the bride and groom in your best man or maid of honor speech

Wedding season is upon us. That glorious time of year spent trolling Macy’s wedding registries for salad spinners, combing the clearance dress rack for a decent ensemble that hasn’t already been photographed to death, and, oh yeah, celebrating the love and marital unions of friends and family.
 
Since I’m in my 30s, I’ve been a guest at quite a few weddings, and I have served as a bridesmaid in three weddings. I have yet to serve that most honored of roles (it’s in the title, after all): Matron of Honor. But when I do, I will be ready!

Any-hoo, I’ve heard a lot of Best Man and Maid of Honor speeches in my time.
 
Since many are on the precipice of this momentous life event, I thought some advice might be in order.
 
I’ll first start by paraphrasing the most horrendous Best Man speech to ever shatter my eardrums. This was an occasion when people’s mouths hung open in disbelief, and it’s an incident still burned into my memory several years later. 

The Worst Best Man Speech of All Time
It goes a little something like this…(yes, this happened for real to one of my best friends). 

I’m happy that Mrs. X & Mr. X have found each other.
 
But I wasn’t always sure it would work out for them.
 
Mr. X’s previous relationships never seemed to last for more than a month. I didn’t think he would ever find a girl who would actually like him.  
 
Then Mr. X started dating Mrs. X.
 
Things were going well at first, until God told Mr. X that he should break up with Mrs. X. I agreed and told him that he should break up with her, immediately.
 
But then he didn’t break up with her.
 
And now they’re married.

I don’t remember anything after that. Pretty sure I was in shock. Let it also be known that this was a dry wedding—no alcohol aside from the champagne toast. So the Best Man didn’t have any excuse for this disaster of a speech.
 
Sigh.
 
Obviously, some wisdom is warranted. 

DON’T EVER SAY ANY OF THESE THINGS AT THE WEDDING OF A FRIEND OR LOVED ONE

• She was dumped quite frequently
• Even though he’s still in love with his ex…
• I never liked Mrs. X, but I guess I have to try, now!
• I’m forbidden from discussing the bachelor party, but let’s just say it was not appropriate for younger audiences
• While it’s clear that he is marrying her for her money…
• The prospects were looking dire, so it’s a good thing that she met him
• I don’t believe in the prison that is marriage
• She’ll make a great first wife
• Just don’t give him any tequila, okay? We all know what happens when he drinks tequila…
• Fourth time’s a charm, right, buddy?
• If only it weren’t for that DUI, she’d be the perfect wife!
• I feel like I’m being replaced, but…(sob)…I’ll get over it
• Ya’ll know the divorce rate it 50%, right? Best of luck with that!
• BLEEP-BA-BLEEP-BLEEP—BLEEPETY BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! Oh. Sorry, Grandma June. I should have told you to turn off your hearing aid for that part. 

Okay, so what CAN I talk about?
 
Talk about love. Talk about how the couple complements one another. Talk about how you’ve never seen your friend happier. Talk about how much they both mean to you. And wish them the best in their new life together.
 
It’s pretty simple, really.
 
Happy wedding season!

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