Megan Sharma's Blog: The Savvy Surgeon's Wife

21 Lies Parents Tell Their Kids to Save Their Sanity

12/5/2017

We all know that parents lie, even though sometimes we don’t realize it until we’re fully grown.

In most cases, these lies are innocuous and serve the child’s greater good.

Sometimes, though…sometimes a little white lie is the only thing that stands between a parent and exclusive membership to Club Cuckoo Bananas.

Might as well own it.

21 Lies Parents Tell Their Kids to Save Their Sanity

1. Santa/God/Jesus/Your Teacher/Preferred Religious or Authority Figure knows exactly what you’re doing
It’s like having a nanny cam 24/7—even at school. So, don’t even try it, kid.

2. Sorry, the toy store is closed today
And the next day, and the next day, and the next. Until you forget about that ridiculous talking/singing migraine-maker.

3. No, I’m not eating anything
Because I already shoved it down my throat before you could catch a glimpse of your precious Doritos

4. If you don’t start behaving, they are going to kick you out of here
Even if ‘here’ is literally the hell known as Chuck E. Cheese’s

5. Eat your vegetables or your face will fall off
Because green beans have been known to prevent acute face melti-ture

6. Hurry up, I’m going to leave without you!
And take my phantom daughter to daycare. Obviously.

7. You wouldn’t like it, it’s yucky/spicy/gross/only for grownups
Mmmmmm, red velvet cheesecake…

8. I am everywhere
Yup, I’m like gluten. Good luck trying to get rid of me.

9. My phone is broken/dead/sleeping right now
Until you get distracted by something else, that is

10. Mommy and Daddy are also going to bed
In several hours. After we catch up on “Designated Survivor”

11. I hope your teacher doesn’t find out about this
Although according to lie number one, he/she is always watching you, so there’s that.

12. It’s your bed time! Hop to it!
Or 20 minutes before I want you in bed, but let’s not get too caught up in the math

13. My credit card isn’t working, so we can’t buy it
Are YOU buying this? Good.

14. I know everything
Thanks, Google!

15. Oh no, “Frozen” isn’t loading!
Because I didn’t put it in the DVD player

Don't test me today, Elsa

16. I can’t understand you when you use your whiny voice
It’s a very specific hearing problem

17. The car won’t start unless you buckle up
Pay no attention to that big, red start/stop button next to the steering wheel

18. Let’s just rest our eyes for a bit
My grandmother used to use this one on me all the time. It worked!

19. I know when you’re lying
But I hope you don’t know when I’m lying

20. I haven’t seen your old ratty toy anywhere
Since I threw it in the garbage and prayed you would move on

21. Maybe tomorrow/next time/another time
‘Maybe’ should have been your first clue that this wasn’t going to happen

Photo by Lennart Tange on Visualhunt.com / CC BY

Okay, people: what other lies have you told your kids? What did your parents tell you when you were growing up? Leave a comment!

You may also like these blogs by Megan Sharma:
Parenting Life: I Can’t Feel Guilty if…(Holiday Edition)
Family fun: How to have a less stressful and happier holiday season
Mom Life: Imagine a World Run by Moms
60 fun and unique date ideas for the young at heart
Parenting: A no-fuss guide to your toddler’s birthday party for Pinterest-fatigued parents
Baby/toddler travel guide series: going international
Baby/toddler travel guide series: what to pack
Baby/toddler travel guide series: the essentials!
Boss baby: 22 traits shared by 2-year-olds and bad bosses
Vacation fun: 44 things you only do when you're on vacation or holiday
Cruise with kids: 20 secrets to a successful family cruise with toddlers (baby/toddler travel guide series)
Cruise with kids: Entertainment strategies that keep the whole family happy (baby/toddler travel guide series)
Cruise with kids: Travel tips for cruising with toddlers (baby/toddler travel guide series)

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Parenting Life: I Can’t Feel Guilty if…(Holiday Edition)

11/22/2017

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So, what is up with this whole GUILT thing?

Where did it come from? Why is it so hard to shake?

Why do I feel the need to write a blog about it to absolve my conscience?

I don’t have the answers to these questions. I can only assume that guilt is fundamental and unique to the human experience.

I mean, think about it.

When a squirrel sees that their neighbor squirrel has just been blessed with a whole tree full of baby squirrels, do you think they feel guilty if they can’t swing by with a homemade acorn pie?

NO. They do not. Because they are squirrels.

The moral of the story: we might be just a tad saner if we aimed to live life more like the squirrels, and delete ‘should’ from our vocabulary.

Here we go. Here’s my attempt to shake off some of that guilt.

Join me, won’t you?

As a parent and an ordinary human being, I can’t feel guilty if…

Photo by Christopher.Michel on Visual hunt / CC BY

It’s not homemade

I don’t make an appearance at the gym

Our laundry seems to spontaneously multiply

The best I can do is take-n-bake pizza

I spend two hours getting my hair done once a month

Facebook reminded me it was your birthday today. I can’t remember everyone’s birthday without a little help.

I take a nap instead of picking through my basement for Goodwill donations

I ‘accidentally’ eat six Reese’s peanut butter cups and four Kit Kat bars in rapid succession

I order Thanksgiving dinner from the local grocery store

We moved in 2.5 years ago and still aren’t 100% unpacked

Photo by emmajanehw on VisualHunt.com / CC BY

I didn’t participate in the school potluck, because it was inconvenient, and I just didn’t feel like it

I save too many useless receipts

I go a little nuts at TJ Maxx…on the regular

I resort to a movie to keep my toddler busy

If (when) I don’t have a perfect body

I’m a month behind on pedicures

I post photos on Facebook immediately or months later, and nothing in between

The meal delivery service meals sit in the refrigerator untouched, alongside takeout leftovers, because it’s been that kind of week

I show up an hour late to the party. Okay, I do feel a bit guilty, but my kid was napping.

SPILL IT! What are you no longer going to feel guilty about? Leave a comment!

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15 Incredible Thanksgiving Hacks that Save Time and Energy

10/20/2017

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Thanksgiving is child’s play, right?

You simply prepare and serve a harvest-themed feast for a massive group of ‘eclectic’ relatives while keeping your home spotless and your children off the America’s Most Wanted list.

You tastefully decorate in shades of burnt sienna and copper. You burn pumpkin spice latte scented candles.

You do NOT burn your house down. I repeat – do not burn your house down. This is not part of the plan. Keep a watchful eye on that oven.

Each of your seven gourmet, scratch-made pies are ready to go before your guests arrive.

You, dear hostess, have already showered and even bothered to put on lipstick and some jewelry. The host donned a pair of pants. You’re ready to rock.

Even though more than half of your guests never officially RSVP’d, you’re prepared.

There is seating for everyone, including the dogs that are apparently coming to dinner. Because…these dogs cannot be left alone. Whatever.

All that is left to do is enjoy lively, non-political conversation and bask in the glow of your own awesomeness?

Ummm…Yeah…If you didn’t detect my overwhelming sarcasm, I’ll let you in on the secret: Thanksgiving only goes like this in your dreams!

Here are 15 awesome Thanksgiving hacks that save time and energy – For REAL people

1. Get thee a bucket.
Visit any home improvement store to purchase a 5-gallon all-purpose bucket, which you can use to brine your turkey for ultimate flavor satisfaction. Just don’t use your bucket for this, for the love of God. And check ahead of time that the bucket fits inside your fridge, or plan to store it in your garage if temperatures are cold enough.

2. Chop your chopping time.
Rather than spending hours chopping everything yourself, visit the fanciest grocery store salad bar you can find and load up on pre-chopped goodness: onions, celery, peppers, bacon, whatever you need.

3. Sleep on it.
Set your Thanksgiving table the night before, so you’re not scrambling at the last minute. You can also do this with your Thanksgiving dinner outfit.

4. Print to prep.
Print all your recipes before T-Day, and arrange them in order of preparation timing. You may even like to secure the printouts to your kitchen cabinets with painter’s tape to keep the flow going while you cook.

5. Got fridge space?
When you’re feeding a crowd, it’s tough to find enough space to stow all that food until meal time. If you don’t have an extra refrigerator to act as a pinch hitter, lug out your summer cooler and fill it with pre-prepped Thanksgiving food or any food currently taking up too much room in your fridge.

6. Put your crockpot(s) to work.
Your slow cooker is a great place to stash those perfectly buttery mashed potatoes or sugary sweet potatoes in a warm and cozy environment without sacrificing a stovetop burner. You could even warm green beans or stuffing in the crockpot on keep warm mode.

7. You’d butter try this.
Oh yeah, I went there. Instead of manually cutting in butter for biscuits and pie crusts, grate that butter stick right into the mix.

8. Roll with it.
My mom taught me this trick (because she is THE GREATEST!). To roll perfect pie or biscuit dough without the mess, grab a piece of parchment paper about the size you’ll eventually want the pie to be, and put it on top of your dough ball. Then roll it out with the parchment between the rolling pin and the dough. It works like a charm.

Photo credit: katerha via VisualHunt / CC BY

9. Create your own pie weights.
If you’re baking pie, you will need some sort of pie weight to prevent the shell from puffing up during pre-baking. Pie weights are expensive and rarely used. Instead, line the dough with foil or wax paper and use dried beans, uncooked rice or uncooked pasta to do the job.

10. Get a jump on dessert.
It’s just not realistic to have fresh pies right out of the oven after you’ve already cooked enough for the whole neighborhood. Make your pumpkin or pecan pies a day or two ahead of time and keep refrigerated. You can do the same with cranberry sauce. On the big day, remove from the fridge and let the pies come to room temperature.

11. Make an organic turkey rack.
You don’t need a fancy-schmancy roasting rack for your turkey. Elevate your poultry on a chunky bed of carrots, celery and quartered onions. The flavor addition is a nice bonus.

12. Keep that gravy warm.
This is pure genius: keep that luscious gravy warm in an insulated mug/thermos until serving time, then transfer it to a gravy boat.

13. Save your dry bird.
If you overdid it on the turkey, don’t beat yourself up. Just drizzle it with warm chicken broth to bring back moisture and add flavor.

14. Pretend your guests are your temporary servants. Think of a few easy, out-of-the-way tasks that can be done by guests who (inevitably) ask how they can help. Examples: filling water glasses, opening wine bottles, taking coats and purses to a designated area, passing appetizers, entertaining kids, smuggling vodka to you on the sly. What? Did I say that?

15. Get your gourd on.
No official ice bucket for your white wine? Carve out the inside of a pumpkin (no, not your spongy Halloween leftovers—a fresh one, dude). Throw a glass or metal bowl in there if it will fit. Add ice. Add alcohol. Voila! Festive pumpkin ice bucket.

Onward, Thanksgiving Mavens and Masters! On this day, ye shall reign supreme.

What Thanksgiving tips and tricks do you swear by? Leave a comment!

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Why travel? 9 reasons I will never stop traveling

10/13/2017

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I’m not one of those people who can say they have visited 100 out of 195 countries. Not even close.

So far, I’ve been to Canada, Mexico, Ireland, Italy, India, Spain, the Bahamas, Puerto Rico, Turks and Caicos, St. Martin, and Germany (airport only, which doesn’t really count). Next month we’ll visit the UK for the first time (yay for London and Bath!).

A small fraction of this big, beautiful earth.

There is always more to see, more to do. Here’s why I will forever answer that call for adventure.

9 Reasons I Will Never Stop Traveling

1. Exotic food.
Okay, truth time: Food is one of the primary motivations for anything I do, but I especially look forward to sampling local delights when I travel. Buttery naan and expertly cooked curry in Agra. Hand-made and freshly caught squid ink pasta in Venice. Decadent churros con chocolat in Madrid. Hearty lamb stew in Killarney. OMG, I’m hungry.

2. New languages.
When I travel internationally, I enjoy challenging myself to learn some of the local language. At least enough to order food in a restaurant (see: reason #1 for traveling). I rely on phrase books and audio tapes to help guide me.

3. Unfamiliar terrain.
New landscapes are a fantastic change of scenery (pun intended), especially if the natural beauty or architecture is unique to the city or region. I’ll never forget the gracefully rolling hills and ancient castles of Ireland or the intimate cobblestone streets of Madrid. We can all use a break from what we see day in and day out.

4. History in abundance.
Here in the United States, our history doesn’t stretch as far back as other civilizations. I love getting lost in the history of another culture, imagining what life was like hundreds or even thousands of years ago.

5. Breaking with routine.
It’s healthy to break through the monotony of our daily lives, to mix it up. It can open our eyes to new possibilities and recharge our spirit.

6. Experiencing another culture.
As Americans, we occasionally forget that we don’t *NEED* unlimited refills on our 64-ounce Cokes or drive-thru access to our meals. Other cultures are often better at slowing down, enjoying the moment, and appreciating the little things.

7. New experiences for our children.
What better way to see how other people live than to experience it for oneself? I treasure the way travel gives our daughter a broader perspective and empathy for other people.

8. Using that old rusty brain.
When you’re plunged into an unfamiliar place, you put your brain to work by navigating, communicating with locals, and absorbing the sights and sounds.

9. Treasured memories, not things.
If I had to choose between a memorable trip and a bar of pure gold, guess which I would choose? Memories and experiences are priceless, and stay with us throughout our lives.

What do you love about travel? Which destinations are on your bucket list? Leave a comment!

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Mom Life: Imagine a World Run by Moms

10/8/2017

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Sometimes when I’m cleaning up a puddle of pee or begging my toddler to put on pants, I dream. I dream of a world run by moms.

Dream with me, friends.

Welcome to a World Run by Moms

All doors at shopping malls, grocery stores and restaurants are wide enough to accommodate a double stroller.

There is no such thing as ‘mom jeans’, only ‘your booty looks fabulous jeans’.

Paid maternity leave is guaranteed for ALL moms.

Diaper changing stations are available in all men’s restrooms, and those restrooms are clean as a whistle. Why isn’t this already a thing?

Mornings are peaceful and nag-free. Kids dress themselves, use the bathroom, brush their teeth and hair, and eat breakfast without the constant power struggle.

Businesses offer free, on-site day care for working moms.

Moms in a hurry can opt for the express check-out lane reserved for moms in every store.

Anyone traveling with a child (mom, dad or grandparent) is granted unlimited carry-on baggage. Oh yeah, and they enjoy priority boarding, like in the good old days.

Car seats are designed to be buckled and un-buckled one-handed.

Workplaces are equipped with pumping rooms and napping rooms for new moms.

Eating chocolate burns calories rather than piling them on.

No more mom brain – your to do list magically takes care of itself.

Nail and hair salons offer a playground and supervised childcare for your kiddos.

Feeling achy? Text the Mobile Mom Masseuse Squad to work out those kinks while you're on the go.

When a mom decides she is done having children, she is offered a complimentary tummy tuck and a spa day, because she deserves it.

Can’t make it through your errands without a cat nap? Check into Hotel Mom for an hour or two, a plush sanctuary for you to get some rest (childcare provided).

Every new mother is matched with a highly qualified personal assistant while they figure things out.

Out of milk and diapers? Breeze through your friendly neighborhood baby emergency supply drive-thru.

Local baristas are trained to memorize their mom customers’ orders to help speed things along. In fact, they have your drink ready as you walk through the door.

When you’re up late feeding your baby, click on the Entertain Mom app, filled with hilarious YouTube videos, memes and articles just for moms.

About to have a total freak-out moment? Step into a discreet, sound-proof Freak Out Pod, and scream and swear to your heart’s content.

Moms night out = any damn night (or day) you please.

A museum-quality curation service arranges and displays your kids’ art perfectly in your home.

Women and men are paid equally. Because we are LITERALLY doing the exact same work. Again, why is this not reality?

Drinking fountains are expanded to include coffee fountains, filled with organic cold brew, of course.

No time to get dolled up before work or a play date? Stop into a beauty café, and a skilled makeup artist will do your makeup while you wait for your latte.

No need to worry about re-stocking that diaper bag. It restocks itself when supplies get low.

Got a personal haz-mat situation, thanks to a baby spit up or blowout? Pop into a Freshen Up Pop Up for moms, where you can grab a quick shower and a change of clothes without stinking up your car.

Ummmm…any entrepreneurial moms out there who want to make this happen? I. Am. In!

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Boss baby: 22 traits shared by 2-year-olds and bad bosses

9/26/2017

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I had an epiphany today: If bad behavior were an Olympic sport, horrible bosses and toddlers would be fighting tooth and paci for the gold.

Of course, 2-year-olds have the legitimate justification of not yet being fully formed humans. I mean, their brains are still developing.

So, what is your horrible boss’s excuse?

Horrible bosses: 22 things 2-year-olds and bad bosses have in common

1. Self-absorbed
Your toddler: I want I want I WANT!!!

Your boss: Don’t mess up my reputation, underling.

2. Can’t be reasoned with
Your toddler: [Refuses to wear coat on 20-degree winter day]. NO! I want to wear my swimsuit. No coat.

Your boss: I reviewed your budget report and I see that you’ve identified a $275K deficit. That should be easy to move around and balance, right? Have it done pronto.

3. Don't do their fair share
Your toddler: Runs wild through the house, eats everything in sight, complains about being bored, demands to watch a movie, spills cheerios all over the kitchen, and then kicks you instead of helping you clear the mess.

Your boss: Runs wild through the office, eats a half dozen bagels on bagel day, complains about being ‘soooo busy’, demands a status update, spills coffee all over the shared kitchen, and then leaves you to mop up the mess.

4. Take you for granted
Your toddler: Daddy will make my macaroni.

Your boss: Sheryl will take care of it. She always does.

5. Don't acknowledge your hard work
Your toddler: NO, I want chicken nuggets! [After you’ve spent three hours preparing an extravagant dinner]

Your boss: Oh, I completely forgot about that. What else is on your to-do list? [After you’ve spent six months tackling a near-impossible task]

6. Make a mess and expect you to clean it up
Your toddler: [Removes every piece of clothing and pees on the floor] Mommy, look what I did for you.

Your boss: [Instigates political firestorm in the office] You’ll get this squared away by end of day, won’t you?

7. Attempt to control everything
Your toddler: [Imitating your exact tone of voice] Excuuuuuuuse me, Daddy, you do NOT talk to me like that.

Your boss: [On casual Friday, when literally everyone in the office except your boss is wearing jeans] I noticed that you’re wearing jeans today. Is that appropriate for the workplace?

8. Are terrible at listening
Your toddler: [After hearing it’s time to go to school, immediately hides under the bed and starts giggling like mad]

Your boss: [While you are confiding one of your deepest professional insecurities] [Looks like she’s been shaken from a dream] I’m sorry, were you saying something?

9. Often yell and/or throw fits when things don’t go their way
Your toddler: But I don’t WANT my friends to come over for my birthday party to give me presents and eat pizza and cake! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want to sit in this box and never come out.

Your boss: But I don’t WANT my co-workers to acknowledge my birthday with a cake and be forced to socialize with them for more than two minutes. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want to sit in this office and never come out.

10. Ask for something, then immediately reject it
Your toddler: I want bubbles. [Hands child bubble wand] NO! I HATE BUBBLES! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???

Your boss: Where is that marketing plan I asked for? [Employee responds: It’s been in your inbox for a week] Well, why did you send it so soon? I didn’t want it clogging up my email!

11. Change their mind constantly
Your toddler: I want chocolate cake. I want vanilla cake. I want chocolate cake. NO, VANILLA! [Conversation continues into eternity]

Your boss: I think this is the right strategy. Or maybe this isn’t the best strategy. Let’s do more brainstorming. Shouldn’t we start from scratch? Ask Bob what he thinks.

12. Always think they are right
Your toddler: I’m cuter than you, so I must be right.

Your boss: I’m smarter than you, so I must be right.

13. Resist even the smallest of changes
Your toddler: New socks? NEVER!!!

Your boss: Remove the emojis from my email signature? YOU CAN’T TAKE MY FREEDOM!

14. Have the absolute worst timing
Your toddler: [While on a video conference call with your boss and the CEO of the company] Your toddler enters the room, completely naked, and announces: I POOPED!

Your boss: [Just as you are packing up your laptop for a long weekend] I just thought of one more thing I’d like you to finish before you head out…

15. Can alter your day from good to ghastly in mere minutes
Your toddler: Mama, where do babies come from? [Unprepared parent cringes]

Your boss: [Without warning] Franklin, we need to discuss your performance. RIGHT. NOW. Close the door.

16. Blind to their own faults and weaknesses
Your toddler: Yup, I eat my own boogers. Is there a problem here?

Your boss: Yup, I verbally abuse my own employees. Is there a problem here?

17. Constantly play favorites
Your toddler: [To Mommy]. Daddy is my favorite. Daddy is my favorite. Daddy-is-my-FAVORITE! Go away, Mommy. I no like you.

Your boss: You know I never play favorites, but the employee of the month is…Ricardo, again! Congratulations to Ricardo! The rest of you should aim to be more like him.

18. Have emotional outbursts
Your toddler: NO, I AM NOT TIRED!!!! NO NAP TIME! While writhing on the floor of Costco, clutching a jumbo pack of string cheese.

Your boss: NO, I AM NOT TIRED! Just bring me my coffee, damnit.

19. Make demands without providing any guidance or context
Your toddler: I WANT THAT TOY!!!! THAT ONE! NO, NOT THAT ONE. [Every toy parent points to in the Toys R Us store elicits the same response]

Your boss: I want this to be top-notch! I’ll know what that means when I see it! I don’t have time for questions.

20. Skip out on their obligations
Your toddler: ME NO WANT TO BUCKLE MY SEATBELT! [Every morning in the car seat, like clockwork]

Your boss: Oh, I was supposed to sign your timesheet? I wasn’t aware of that. [After four years of weekly reminders to sign the same freaking timesheet]

21. Lie to get what they want
Your toddler: Daddy said I could have some ice cream. Daddy: I have no recollection of this. [Toddler puts on most fetching grin]

Your boss: [Lying through teeth] If this isn’t done right, we’ll all be fired.

22. Never say thank you
Your toddler: [Says for the very first time] Thank you, Da-Da [Daddy falls down at baby’s feet in worship]

Your boss: Why should I thank you for doing what you get paid to do?

Let this be a lesson to horrible bosses to stop acting like babies, and babies (toddlers) to stop acting like bosses.

We’re all in this together!

Do you have a Boss Baby or a Baby Boss? Tell us about it in the comments (no names, please)!